The Bat Came Back
by Monoshiri
Summary: ...the very next day, the bat came back, they thought he was a goner, but...Yami no Bakura's gone too far, and now the Yuugi-tachi are determined to help Ryou get rid of the Sennen Ring. Swearing, violence, shounen-ai, etc. Now complete.
1. Fishermen, Blue Eyes, and Dinos, oh my!

The Bat Came Back  
  
By Monoshiri  
  
A/N: My first post on ff.net. Please be nice! Rated PG-13 for swearing, projectile-vomiting, violence, attempted murder by handbag, and mild K/J yaoi references. On with the show! ^-^  
  
Mouto Yuugi paused his sweeping and looked up at the clear blue spring sky with a smile. Despite that his grandfather had chose today, of all days, to tear a strip off him about doing his chores before going to school, it was a still a beautiful Tuesday morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and in the distance, he could even hear the faint sound of-  
  
-maniacal cackling?  
  
"Oh, that's it, Bakura!! This time you've really gone too far!!"  
  
Yuugi dropped his broom, eyes going wide. Chores or no chores, he knew those sounds, and what kind of trouble followed them. Leaving the broom unattended in front of the Game Shop, he took off down the street in the direction of the noises.  
  
= = = = = = =  
  
"-and so Shizuka and Anzu are trying to figure out what to do with this hurt sparrow, right? I mean, Shizuka-chan thinks we should put it in a box and take it back home and feed it, and Anzu keeps saying we've gotta take it to an animal shelter and see what they can do to help it, and Honda and me, we're sort of with Anzu on that 'cause it looked like a cat had mauled it, and then-"  
  
Jounouchi Katsuya trailed off and cast a look of loathing in the direction of the Game Shop bathroom, where Ryou Bakura-or someone who wanted people to *think* he was Ryou Bakura-was imprisoned, the water closet door jammed shut by one of the Mouto family's dining room chairs. For extra assurance, Honda Hiroto was sitting in that chair, and he mirrored Jounouchi's disgusted face.  
  
The rest of the teenagers were sitting around Yuugi's living room, as was per custom, with Jounouchi keeping a watchful eye on the bathroom door. He and Anzu Mazaki were sitting on the couch with a weeping Shizuka between them; as Yuugi looked on in concern from his armchair, Jounouchi's little sister alternated between crying into her brother's shirt and clutching distraughtly at Anzu's sleeve. Jounouchi managed to compose himself again, and continued his narrative after a moment.  
  
"So anyway, all of a sudden, Bakura, or *whatever* that guy is, grabs the bird away from Shizuka, and starts *eating* it right in front of us! And I mean, eating it alive, like biting the thing's head off!! The girls just started screaming, and Honda and me grabbed him and made him spit it out, but it was too late, so then he tries to bite *me* for good measure."  
  
"That's awful," Yuugi gasped, looking over at the bathroom apprehensively.  
  
"I'll say," Anzu snapped suddenly as Shizuka's sobbing died down to whimpers. "You know, Yuugi-kun, I've about had it with this-person-who lives in Bakura's Ring. Your other half is one thing, but the guy in the Ring is just beyond horrible! He's so nasty, but he's sneaky too.we can never tell any more when it's our friend Ryou, or when it's Yami no Bakura standing right next to us! And the things he does, always trying to steal your Puzzle when you're not looking-"  
  
A pounding came from the other side of the bathroom door, causing everyone to jump. Honda hopped off the chair and braced his hands against the door as Jounouchi got to his feet, ready to help.  
  
"Hey, guys?" Came a muffled voice from the other side of the door. "Guys? I think he's gone. Can I come out now, please? Yuugi-kun? Honda- kun?"  
  
Honda breathed a sigh of relief and looked over at Jounouchi and Yuugi. "Should I let him out?"  
  
"Yeah, guess we'd better explain why we locked him in there, huh?" Jounouchi mumbled with a sheepish grin. Yuugi had a nagging feeling about the situation, but it was too late for him to act because Honda had already removed the chair and opened the door. Bakura came stumbling out, looking dazed.  
  
"Feeling better, Bakura-kun?" Anzu asked.  
  
Bakura nodded, then wobbled over to Yuugi and presented him with something. "Hey, um, is this your grandpa's? You shouldn't leave stuff like this on the floor, you know."  
  
As Yuugi took what appeared to be his grandpa's electric nose-hair- remover with a look of distaste on his face, he failed to see Bakura's features sharpen. He also failed to see the maniacal grin which split his friend's face, and the way Bakura's hand began to drift almost lazily towards the Sennen Puzzle.  
  
Fortunately for both Yuugi and the Puzzle's inhabitant, Anzu *did* see those things, and let out an ear-splitting shriek in Honda and Jounouchi's direction. The two bigger boys (probably discerning that the pitch of the scream indicated "Psycho Alert") immediately threw themselves at Yami no Bakura and pinned the tomb robber to the floor with their combined weight.  
  
Yuugi drew a shaky breath as he watched Yami no Bakura staring up at him hate-filled eyes from beneath the dog pile that was Honda and Jounouchi, both of whom looked rather pleased with themselves (although Honda looked a little squashed).  
  
Shizuka pulled her fingers out of her ears and glowered at Anzu. "Has anyone ever told you that you sound like an air raid siren when you scream?"  
  
Anzu grinned. "Oh, lots of people, starting with your brother. Then again, I *was* about to get raped the last time I sounded like that. I reserve my lungs for urgent situations."  
  
"Well, congrat-u-fucking-lations." Yami no Bakura hissed furiously, having dropped all pretence of being his gentler half. "Now you've not only managed to crush most of my-or rather my host's-internal organs, but you've half-deafened him as well."  
  
"Aww," Honda said in a mock-sympathetic voice, as he dug his knee into the small of the tomb robber's back, "the world's smallest violin is playing for you."  
  
"Yeah, get over it." Jounouchi put in. "It's *you* we're putting the screws on, not Ryou, so don't think that 'you're only hurting my host' garbage will get you a break."  
  
Yami no Bakura snarled one last time at Yuugi, and then evaporated as the Ring began to glow with a sullen light. In his place was a very confused (and very squished), but unmistakeably non-Yami, Ryou Bakura.  
  
"Uhh-can you-please-get-off? Lungs-hurting-"  
  
Honda and Jounouchi scrambled off the smaller boy hastily, then yanked him to his feet and dusted him off.  
  
"Feeling okay, Bakura?" Yuugi asked, remembering the pile-driver the white-haired boy had suffered while possessed.  
  
Bakura, still looking rather muzzy, as one waking up from a deep sleep, shrugged. "Er, fine, I guess, although I'd like to know how-"  
  
His voice trailed off as his thought process cleared. "Oh."  
  
"Yes. 'Oh' is the right word."  
  
"What did he-I-do this time?"  
  
Yuugi looked at Anzu. Anzu looked at Yuugi. Honda looked at the ceiling. And Jounouchi looked sternly at Shizuka, who had been about to pipe up indignantly about the sparrow-eating incident. No one said anything.  
  
"It was bad, wasn't it." Bakura's tone indicated statement, not question.  
  
"It could have been worse," Yuugi tried to reassure him. The white haired boy shook his head, his large brown eyes full of sadness.  
  
"I'm sorry, guys, I really am, but I don't think I'm safe to be around. I never have been, since I got the Ring. I should probably just stay away from everybody."  
  
"NO!"  
  
Everyone looked over at Anzu, who had positively exploded at that. Eyes ablaze, she stood up on the couch and glared down at the startled Bakura like the Goddess of Judgement come to call.  
  
"How can you say such a thing?? It's not right!! You can't just give in and let *him* deny you a normal life, with family and friends and, and, and other people!! You can't roll over and let him wreck your very *being*!! Bakura, we can help you *fight this*!!"  
  
Bakura blinked. "Um, how?"  
  
Anzu opened her mouth to say something compelling, then blinked and sat back down on the couch again.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Bakura sweatdropped and looked over at Yuugi, depressed. Yuugi, however, had his chin in his hand, and appeared to be thinking deeply.  
  
"Well, for starters, if he lives in the Ring, you should throw the Ring away," Shizuka pointed out reasonably.  
  
"Honda tried that already during Duellist Kingdom, and it didn't work." Jounouchi told her.  
  
"Well, how'd he try to get rid of it?"  
  
"Pitched it into the woods from Pegasus' castle, or so I'm told."  
  
"Hmm, just threw it away?" Shizuka seemed to be getting the phantom of a light-bulb over her head. Honda noticed this and nodded.  
  
"Yeah, just threw it. It was all I could think of at the time, getting the Ring as far away from us as possible. I never thought it'd come *back* somehow."  
  
Anzu looked at Yuugi, who had by this point completely zoned out, indicating that he was conversing with Yami no Yuugi mentally. Shizuka's light-bulb was becoming less phantom-like, and by now Jounouchi had noticed it too.  
  
"So maybe we didn't try to get it far enough away-" Shizuka mumbled softly.  
  
The light-bulb suddenly blinked to life.  
  
"Guys, we should try to destroy the Ring. Like, permanently."  
  
"Hmm, not a bad idea." Jounouchi beamed proudly at his sister. "She really *did* get all the brains of the family."  
  
"Not to mention the good looks," Honda teased, causing Jounouchi and Shizuka to flick sofa cushions at him amicably. Bakura stared, realization dawning on him.  
  
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"  
  
"No," Anzu said, causing Honda to turn and stare at her. "However, it's the best course of action we can take at the moment. Yuugi, what do you think?"  
  
Yuugi came back to reality with a bump, looking almost as muzzy as Bakura had been a little while ago. "Uh? Oh, yeah, right, destroy the Ring. Well, mou hitori no boku (1) can't remember anyone trying to destroy a Sennen Item before, so he's not sure about the success rate, but it might be worth a try. On the other hand," Yuugi continued, looking puzzled (a/n: no pun intended), "he seems to have misgivings about destroying a Sennen Item. But he also thinks that getting Bakura's other half away from Bakura is a good idea."  
  
"Well, if he's worried about the 'destroying' part," Anzu said over Jounouchi's protests, "maybe we should work on extending Honda's thing, that is to say, get the Ring as far away from Bakura as we can. If that doesn't work, *then* we'll start with the sledgehammers and whatnot."  
  
"Sounds reasonable. Everyone in agreement?"  
  
There were nods from everyone in the room. Yuugi looked over at Bakura in concern. "Hey, before we go on with this--is your other half--?"  
  
"Listening in?" Bakura screwed up his face a moment, then relaxed and sighed. "No, he's locked himself in his soul room and he's sulking. I can cut him off from what I'm doing when he's not trying to take control, you know, and I think you scared him pretty badly this time. He won't get up the nerve to try again for at least a few days."  
  
"Good. In that case, where should we start?"  
  
"How about air-mailing the Ring to Peru?" Jounouchi suggested.  
  
"Naah, too close. How about Antarctica?"  
  
"Aw, Honda, they don't have post offices in Antarctica. How about Nairobi?"  
  
"Good one, Anzu, like they don't have enough problems there. Maybe Texas?"  
  
"Yeah, Texas!" Yuugi enthused.  
  
"Planning a trip somewhere?" Ayame Mouto asked with a smile as she set down a bowl of rice crackers on the living room table. The teenagers jumped and looked at her guiltily.  
  
"Uh, no, not really, Mom." Yuugi mumbled, blushing. He knew his mother knew about the Puzzle, but he didn't want to have to explain about the Ring to her as well: better she assume he was the only item holder than have her find out about the -interesting-mental states of the other item holders and freak out. Not that he'd seen his mom freak out, in fact she was usually pretty laid-back about things; still, better she not know about Yami no Bakura.  
  
"Oh, that reminds me, Yuugi," Mrs. Mouto murmured, forestalling the Yuugi-tachi's attempts to come up with a plausible excuse for their "geography game". "You got a postcard from Domino City harbour from someone named Ryouta Kajiki. It just came in today."  
  
Yuugi took the proffered postcard with a nod of thanks and scanned it briefly, more for show than out of real interest. Suddenly, and much to the astonishment of all present, his eyes lit up, and he quickly flipped it over and looked at the date.  
  
"Yesterday! He came in with a fishing crew yesterday! Thanks, Mom, this is great!!"  
  
Anzu, Bakura, Jounouchi, Shizuka, and Honda all looked at each other as understanding dawned on them. Yuugi winked at Bakura.  
  
"I don't think we'll have to send it to Texas after all, assuming Ryouta's willing to help us out. Come on, you guys, we still have three hours to get to the harbour before it closes!"  
  
"Okay," Anzu muttered as the group set out from the Game Shop, leaving behind a very confused Ayame Mouto, "but we don't get his help by offering him a bath with me."  
PART TWO  
  
"So let me get this straight: you guys want me to take this Ring thingy out to the Japan Trench, tie it to some rocks, and throw it overboard?" Kajiki Ryouta asked, confusion written on his sun-browned features.  
  
Yuugi, Jounouchi, Honda, Anzu, Shizuka, and Bakura all nodded in unison, silently thanking that fates that they'd made the harbour just as the gates were about to be locked. After a short reunion (and a great deal of noogying of Yuugi on Kajiki's behalf, much to Jounouchi's annoyance), the younger teenagers finally settled down and explained the reason for their visit to the fisherman-turned-duellist.  
  
Kajiki blinked. "You sure about that? It looks pretty valuable to me."  
  
"Trust me, it's much more valuable that this thing be *away* from the rest of civilization." Bakura said darkly, accompanied by furious nodding from Shizuka, who still hadn't forgotten the incident with the sparrow.  
  
Kajiki sighed and took the Ring into his hands, turning it over repeatedly and testing its weight. Then he grinned and tossed it deftly into the air, catching it behind his back.  
  
"Well, alright, I'll do it!"  
  
"Thanks so much, Ryouta!" Yuugi exclaimed happily.  
  
"On one condition."  
  
Everyone sweatdropped. "I *knew* this would happen," Anzu muttered to Honda, who nodded. Yuugi sighed.  
  
"Name your price."  
  
"Assuming, of course, that price doesn't involve my sister," Jounouchi added sternly, putting a protective arm around Shizuka.  
  
Kajiki snorted. "What do you think I am, some kind of cradle-robber??" He paused, and an evil grin formed on his lips. "Now, Mazaki, on the other hand-"  
  
"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!"  
  
"OW! OW! OW! OW! Okay, please, for the love of all the gods of the ocean, lay off, will ya??! I was only kidding!! Geez, you're deadly with a handbag, hon."  
  
Rubbing the lumps on his head, Kajiki looked askance at the still-fuming Anzu before turning back to Yuugi. "Anyways, what I'd like is-"  
  
He paused, looking almost embarrassed, then bent down and whispered something in Yuugi's ear. The smaller boy's eyes went wide, and then he perked up and smiled at the young fisherman.  
  
"Oh, is that all? No problem. Consider it done!"  
  
"Great! In that case, I'll see you kids in three days! Later, handbag girl!" Kajiki flashed the younger teens the thumbs-up, then stuffed the Sennen Ring in his vest pocket and started off down the docks, before pausing and turning back. "Hey, are you guys sure you want it weighted down? If I just set it free-floating, maybe rub some fish guts on it, a shark might come along and eat it!"  
  
"No, no thanks, Ryouta!" Bakura called out after the other boy. "Just do what we asked, okay?"  
  
Kajiki shrugged, grinned again, then sauntered off down the pier until he was lost to their sight. Bakura sighed happily.  
  
"Well, that's that then, or so I hope."  
  
As the little group trekked back towards Domino City, Jounouchi paused and looked over at Yuugi, his eyes worried. "Hey, um, if you don't mind my asking.you didn't, like, promise to do anything, you know, *weird* for Ryouta, did you?"  
  
"Weird?" Yuugi echoed blankly. Then, "Oh, goodness, no, not at all! I never would have agreed to that any more than Anzu would have, and anyway, Ryouta's about as straight as they come."  
  
"But you didn't, like, promise him one of your cards or something?" Honda asked, equally concerned.  
  
"Again, no."  
  
"Well, what was it, then?" Shizuka demanded, growing impatient.  
  
Yuugi chuckled a little. "Uh, guys, anyone feel like coming with Ryouta and me to a good karaoke bar on Friday night?"  
  
Everyone stopped and gaped, slack-jawed, at Yuugi, who just smiled in return. After a moment of silence, the pier filled with the sound of laughter.  
  
= = = = = = = = =  
  
However, no one was laughing the next day at school, when Yuugi, Anzu, Honda, and Jounouchi arrived in their classroom to find Bakura sitting at his desk despondently, holding none other than the Sennen Ring in his hands.  
  
"Bakura?" Yuugi choked out.  
  
Bakura sighed miserably. "I woke up this morning and found it on my dresser."  
  
"Shit and pickles," Honda moaned, slumping down into his seat. "There's just no getting rid of the thing!"  
  
"Well, obviously the 'taking it far away' bit doesn't work." Anzu mused as the boys took their seats as well. "Maybe now we should try and destroy it."  
  
"How?"  
  
Jounouchi put his head in his hands and muttered to himself for a little while, then abruptly sat up and looked at the others. "Hey guys, remember what Ryouta said about sharks eating it?"  
  
Anzu blanched and shook her head furiously. "Uh-uh, Jounouchi, I know what you're thinking, and no way!"  
  
"Well, not *literally*, but I think he was on the right track. Instead of a shark's stomach, we could try sending it someplace more permanent; like, say, the Shadow Realm."  
  
"Oh?" Bakura said, unimpressed. "And how will we get it there?"  
  
"Simple," Jounouchi said with a smile. "You ever seen a Blue Eyes White Dragon with its safety off?"  
  
Yuugi slapped his palm to his forehead. "Of course! I see where you're going with this, Jounouchi!"  
  
"So, I'm guessing that we cut next class, right?" Honda asked hopefully.  
  
"Yep, to pay a little trip to KaibaCorp."  
  
= = = = = = = =  
  
"Are you sure my big brother will be okay with this?"  
  
"Well, look at it this way, Mokuba: if he's mad at anyone, it'll be us, not you."  
  
Mokuba Kaiba still looked unconvinced, but he led the group down the winding hallways of KaibaCorp anyhow. "I guess it's alright, as long as you don't mess up his Blue Eyes or anything. 'Cause if you did," the dark- haired boy added, turning suddenly on Yuugi and trying (unsuccessfully) to look ferocious, "it'd be *me* you'd have to answer to!!"  
  
"I'm quaking in my skivvies," Honda muttered to Jounouchi, who prodded him in the ribs sharply.  
  
"Hey, shut up. The kid's just trying to be tough like his big brother."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that's right, your crush!" Honda teased in a low voice, no real malice behind his words. He'd known Jounouchi long enough that the blond's emotions were an open book to him; he and the rest of the Yuugi-tachi were well aware of Jounouchi's rather conflicting feelings towards Seto Kaiba, the handsome, haughty young businessman with eyes like ice who had faced off against both Jounouchi and Yuugi on more than one occasion. Now, however, the little group was interested in something else with blue eyes.  
  
"Here's the simulation room; and *I'll* install my brother's deck into the holo-imager." Mokuba added sternly before going into the massive steel hall's control room and poking away at the buttons therein. A gigantic, blue form materialized before the astonished teens, as Mokuba poked his head out of the control room.  
  
"Do you want me to shut the safety off now?"  
  
"Yes, please," Yuugi called, sounding braver than he felt. It was bad enough facing a harmless BEWD, but one with its safety features off-  
  
"There you go! It's off!"  
  
Yuugi sighed and took the Ring from Bakura, nerving himself, then walked up to the huge beast as it hovered aimlessly in the middle of the room, looking almost bewildered, if a dragon can look bewildered. Yuugi approached its tooth-filled face cautiously as the others looked on, then reached up and bumped the Ring against its nose.  
  
"Here, boy," he whispered softly to it, feeling ridiculous. There was no way that this would work. He didn't know how this thing interacted with people even with the safety off--was it even a 'boy'? "I have a nice, tasty treat right here for you-"  
  
The BEWD looked down at Yuugi, its astonishment obvious. Then, suddenly, a look of delight settled on the dragon's reptilian features, and it bent its head down to nibble lazily on the points of Yuugi's hair.  
  
"AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!"  
  
It was too much for the boy; he fled back to the outside of the holo-field in terror, while the BEWD, looking vexed, plunked itself down on it's huge scaled behind and began-was it really?-sulking. Anzu, after comforting the stunned Yuugi, lightly touched the points of his hair.  
  
"Um, guys? It, uh, left *drool* on his hair spikes-"  
  
"Oh, I knew this was a bad idea!" Bakura lamented, as Mokuba, his misgivings forgotten, looked over at the BEWD in delight.  
  
"Hey, I'm *glad* you did that! Big brother's gonna fall over when I tell him that it actually *interacts* with the safety off-"  
  
"Yeah, but that doesn't get us rid of the Ring," Jounouchi reminded him. Biting his lower lip, the blond pondered for a moment, then snatched the Ring from the startled Yuugi and walked out swiftly to where the Blue Eyes was sitting, to the disconcertion of his friends.  
  
"Hey, Jounouchi, wait a minute!"  
  
"Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, it *breathed* on me!!"  
  
"Come back, man! I don't want my best friend to end up as dragon chow!!  
  
Jounouchi ignored their shouts and carried on until he was looking the Blue Eyes straight in the face. The huge monster gazed back at him with the kind of flinty, knowing amusement that reminded Jounouchi of its master; however, there was no time for that now. Steeling himself, he placed the Ring on his upturned, flat palm, and held it carefully beneath the BEWD's nose, as he'd been taught to do when feeding horses.  
  
As Anzu, Yuugi, Bakura, and Honda watched with bated breath, and as Jounouchi squeezed his eyes shut and prayed that the thing wouldn't munch his arm off, the Blue Eyes, with an almost delicate motion, nipped the Ring from Jounouchi's hand, chewed on it thoughtfully for a minute or two, and then gulped it down and burped happily.  
  
Yuugi and Honda darted out and dragged the stunned Jounouchi away from the monster before it decided to take seconds out of his arm. Mokuba smiled at the startled group.  
  
"Hey, neat, it worked! I can't wait to tell my big brother about this-- he'll be so excited!"  
  
"What have you *done*??!!"  
  
Yuugi's head jerked up, and everyone turned to find Seto Kaiba standing in the simulation room doorway, looking considerably less than excited. 'Livid' was probably the best way to describe the young billionaire's expression, although livid for Kaiba was so controlled that all it amounted to was an increase in the frigidness in his eyes and a certain tightening around his jaw. Still, it was enough to make Bakura hide behind Anzu and quake, and Honda step in front of Yuugi and Jounouchi to shield them from the other boy's wrath. Mokuba flinched and coughed.  
  
"Hi, big brother."  
  
"Mokuba, what the Hell is going on here?" Seto demanded harshly, looking from Jounouchi and Yuugi to the recalcitrant Blue Eyes and back again. Anzu gulped.  
  
"Uh, well, really, Kaiba, it wasn't Mokuba's fault--Bakura," she said, shoving the white-haired boy in front of her, "explain it to him!"  
  
After a moment or two of blushing and fidgeting, Bakura managed to stutter out the whole story. Seto listened, and remained unimpressed.  
  
"That's all very well and good, but I'll be damned," he snapped savagely, "if I want any of you involving my cards in your stupid little attempts to get rid of a hunk of metal! *Especially* my Blue Eyes White Dragon! And I can't believe that you tried to manoeuvre around me using my little brother, Yuugi," Seto continued venomously, causing Yuugi to flinch with guilt. Jounouchi began to get annoyed.  
  
"Hey, now wait just a second! Don't go pinning this all on Yuugi-"  
  
"And I'll be *double-damned*, bonkutsu na duellist (2), if I want *you* within ten miles of my prized Blue Eyes!" Seto snarled, rounding on Jounouchi, who bristled.  
  
Mokuba and Yuugi glanced at each other helplessly. Once Seto (especially when he'd had a bad day at the office, which he obviously had) and Jounouchi got going at each other, there was no stopping them.  
  
"Pull your head out of your ass and look at your Dragon for a second, Kaiba- does it look like I hurt it any when I fed the Ring to it? No!"  
  
Kaiba was about to make a biting reply, when a strange noise caused everyone to forget the quarrel and turn to the BEWD.  
  
The massive monster seemed to be in some sort of discomfort; it was twitching and lashing about, soft hissing sounds coming from between its teeth. As the astonished teenagers (and one preteen) looked on, the mighty Blue Eyes White Dragon abruptly threw its head back, horked hideously, and puked a small, drool-covered object across the room, to land at Bakura's feet.  
  
For perhaps the first time in his life, Seto was speechless. He could only stare as his noble Dragon horked up a few more spitballs, then curled up sullenly in a corner of the holo-field and cast Yuugi and Jounouchi a reproachful look, as if to say, "you really should have known better".  
  
Mokuba tugged slightly at the back of his brother's duster. "Um, Seto? Maybe we should give the Blue Eyes some tummy medicine--"  
  
= = = = = =  
  
"Geez, Kaiba was grouchy about that," Jounouchi commented as they walked down the street away from KaibaCorp. "Huh, it's not our fault the Blue Eyes isn't picky about its food."  
  
"Maybe we should try feeding it to a monster with a stronger stomach," Yuugi thought out loud.  
  
Honda paused in mid-step, then poked Jounouchi. "Hey, are you thinking--"  
  
"Not my Red Eyes Black Dragon," Jounouchi snapped. "No way."  
  
"No, but I'm thinking maybe," Honda trailed off and looked into the middle distance. "Maybe the guy you *got* it from--"  
  
Anzu suddenly caught on, and a huge grin formed on her face. "I *did* see Ryuuzaki feeding his Tyrannosaurus a hubcap once--"  
  
Yuugi rolled his eyes. "That's Ryuuzaki alright. My grandpa would have a conniption fit if he saw him pull that stunt. Alright, Ryuuzaki it is, then. I just hope we can find him."  
  
"This also means you may have to re-think the bath thing, Anzu," Honda added cheerfully as they headed towards a subway. Anzu made a face and smacked him with her handbag again as Bakura shook his head, but after a moment she softened a bit.  
  
"Wellllll, it *is* for a good cause, getting Bakura Yami-free and all."  
  
"Translation being, she'll promise him anything, but she won't deliver." Jounouchi whispered to Honda and Yuugi as they started down the station stairs. "Lesson #1 from Professor Kujaku."  
  
= = = = = = =  
  
PART THREE  
  
"You know, I've known for a while that you weren't exactly 'all there', Jounouchi, but I didn't know you were completely off your rocker!"  
  
"Look, Ryuuzaki, it's just a simple request! It's not like I'm asking you to give up your Serpent Night Dragon for good or anything."  
  
"Let me revise that last part: you're completely off your rocker and falling down the porch steps!! Do you honestly think that I'm going to hand over my favourite cards to *you*, the guy who took my Red Eyes Black Dragon, and then let you waltz off with them?? Huh? Do you?!"  
  
Yuugi and Anzu looked at each other and sighed unhappily. This had been going on for the last half an hour, ever since Jounouchi had spotted Ryuuzaki coming out of the Arcade, ran up to him, and cheerfully asked outright if they could borrow a few of his tougher cards, namely his prized Serpent Night Dragon and his Two-Headed King Rex. Ryuuzaki had stared at Jounouchi for a while, then laughed and told him exactly where he could stick his brass nerve.  
  
Jounouchi hadn't taken kindly to that sort of lip from a guy who was a year younger and six inches shorter than he was, and probably would have socked Ryuuzaki had Honda not grabbed him and tried to drag him away, telling him it was useless. As it was, Jounouchi managed to escape his friend's grip, and much to everyone's chagrin started trying to threaten/bargain down/convince Ryuuzaki to let the Yuugi-tachi take the cards over to the main Kaiba Land arena. Ryuuzaki hadn't bought into it, especially when Jounouchi tried to explain about feeding the Ring to the monsters (the reason given being that it was bringing Bakura bad luck).  
  
Now, the rest of the group had been sitting on the steps near the beachfront, listening to Ryuuzaki and Jounouchi lob insults back and forth at each other, until they were stiff and bored. Bakura had, in fact, fallen asleep on Honda's shoulder and was snoring a bit: Honda himself looked none too pleased with this, but put up with it patiently and only shot Anzu a token Evil Glare when she poked Yuugi, pointed at the duo, and whispered "'Waii!" in tones of unmistakeable delight. Yuugi wondered briefly if he could get away with pretending to fall asleep on Anzu's shoulder, then decided against it. He wouldn't put it past his best female friend to casually move so that he slipped and his skull cracked on the concrete steps.  
  
"I can't believe you're still grudging 'cause I took your Red Eyes. I mean, get over it! Plus, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm not Haga Insector?"  
  
"Yeah-fuckin'-right!! I wasn't born yesterday, Jounouchi."  
  
"Well, you're *acting* like you were! Look, this has nothing to do with duelling: we just wanna help Bakura get rid of that Ring thing!"  
  
Ryuuzaki snorted and started to turn away.  
  
"Hey, look, maybe if Mazaki here promised to go out on a date with you-??" Jounouchi called after him in last-ditch desperation.  
  
Unfortunately, Anzu heard him, and was on him like a raging demon in an instant. "If I WHAAAAT??! ANSWER ME, JOUNOUCHI KATSUYA, IF I *WHAT*???!!!!!!!"  
  
Yuugi sweatdropped and shouted to Honda, who deposited the sleeping Bakura on the steps and ran to help his smaller friend pry Anzu off Jounouchi, who was in danger of being strangled with her purse-strap. Ryuuzaki laughed so hard he fell over, to sit choking and snickering on the ground.  
  
"Anzu, Anzu, *please* get off him! I'm serious, you're gonna kill him if you keep it up!"  
  
"I'm sure he didn't mean it like that at all!!"  
  
"Oh, the *HELL* he didn't, Honda!!"  
  
"Aww, geez, you guys, cut it out," Ryuuzaki managed to gasp between chuckles. "Anyway, heh, I don't date brunettes."  
  
Anzu stopped in mid-homicide and rounded on Ryuuzaki, utter astonishment written on her face. "You what? Wait a minute--you're seriously *that* shallow?"  
  
"I thought you didn't *wanna* date him," Yuugi protested as he and Honda supported the half-strangled Jounouchi, who was massaging his throat and glaring daggers at Anzu.  
  
"Well, I don't, but turning a girl down for her hair colour? That's just revoltingly lookist--"  
  
"Actually, that's guy-talk for 'I'm already involved with someone'," Honda mumbled to Yuugi, who nodded. Ryuuzaki just shrugged.  
  
"Hey, I prefer redheads."  
  
"And blondes," Jounouchi muttered savagely, remembering Mai. "What's the matter with you that you don't wanna date Anzu?? Are you *gay* or what?"  
  
Ryuuzaki developed a wicked smirk. "Well, look at the pot calling the kettle black."  
  
"What's *that* supposed to mean?" Jounouchi snapped at him.  
  
"Oh, nothing, nothing at all--*coughSetoKaibacough*!"  
  
Jounouchi turned an interesting shade of red, as the rest of the Yuugi- tachi stared at Ryuuzaki. "Huh??"  
  
"I just said, nothing. Now come on, dork, or I might change my mind."  
  
"So you'll help us after all?" Yuugi prompted, a smile lighting up his face.  
  
"Yeah, I guess; I haven't laughed that hard since Haga stole two dozen centipedes from his dad's science lab and set 'em loose in the girl's locker room last year. But if you're using my Dragon and my King Rex, I want to be there to keep an eye on them."  
  
Honda went over and poked Bakura into wakefulness, then looked over at Jounouchi and Yuugi. "Hey, that was Haga?!"  
  
"I guess," Yuugi said with an unbidden grin. "Boy, it was completely hysterical."  
  
"Hmm? What was?" Bakura asked as the group followed Ryuuzaki.  
  
"Oh, you missed it, it happened last year," Jounouchi regaled him with a laugh. "Too bad for you, though: some guy let a bunch of gross bugs loose in the junior girls' change room just after their basketball practice ended, so most of them ran screaming out into the hallway in their underwear just as the boy's class was going by. It was so--"  
  
"Ahem--who did Ryuuzaki say did that again?"  
  
Bakura was the only one of the boys who didn't blanch and start running at the look on Anzu's face, nor did he need special powers to tell him why she looked so mad.  
  
"You were in that class that day, weren't you?"  
  
"Bang on. I was one of the first to bolt, actually: I can't stand bugs."  
  
"Oh, dear," Bakura murmured, looking apprehensive.  
  
"It's not that bad. They didn't tell you about the time, a few months later, when someone turned the power off in the boys' changeroom, and since the switch didn't work, three of them came out in their towels to use the outside one."  
  
Bakura blinked, then smiled to himself. "Devious. I assume I know the unlucky three?"  
  
Anzu's answering smile told him all. "It was actually one of the funnier things Miho and I did; it was Lao Deng's idea."  
  
"Sounds like something my Yami would do," Bakura half-smiled. Then he frowned and tapped his forehead. "By the way, there's no change so far; he's still sulking in his soul room. But it won't be long before he starts getting restless, and then I don't think I'll be able to hide what we're doing from him."  
  
Anzu nodded, and the two of them increased their pace to catch up with the others.  
  
= = = = = = =  
  
Two hours later, in the main Kaiba Land arena, five very sick dinosaurs were hovering around the playing field in various stages of an upset stomach, and one very angry Dinosaur was berating Yuugi furiously.  
  
"I *told* you we should have stopped after my Serpent Night Dragon ralphed that thing up!!"  
  
"Well, I wanted to try feeding the Ring to lower-level monsters. I thought maybe the high-powered cards had more fragile digestive systems!" Yuugi protested.  
  
For a while, they'd tried feeding the Ring straight out to the Dragon, but it turned up its nose at the Item every time in disgust. Finally, Bakura had a brainstorm, and Yuugi had first rubbed the Ring in his hair (to Ryuuzaki's consternation), then offered the delicacy to the Dragon, which had scarfed it down with aplomb. Unfortunately, no sooner had the Yuugi- tachi started celebrating when the Serpent Night Dragon began to make odd noises, and soon they were stuck with a spit-covered Ring again.  
  
Undeterred, Yuugi had insisted on trying the experiment with four other dino-monsters, including the Two-Headed King Rex, the monster which Ryuuzaki had fed the hubcap to a few months earlier (apparently after knocking said hubcap off his moped and wanting to hide his misdeed from his father). After another few spates of projectile-vomiting, they'd finally given up, mostly at Ryuuzaki's insistence.  
  
Bakura watched as Ryuuzaki alternated between ripping Yuugi and Jounouchi a new one, and petting his under-the-weather monsters like a worried mother. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he felt something stir.  
  
"You know, you're just lucky Kyande isn't here," Ryuuzaki muttered threateningly. "She'd probably break your shins."  
  
"Ah, *now* I see why he didn't want a date with Anzu," Honda whispered conspiratorially to Anzu and Bakura, before blinking. "Hey, Ryuuzaki, are we talking about the same Kyande here? Right name being Uzumaki Yanagiyari, the pink-haired midget terror who goes around dressing like a gypsy and kicking me in the ankles whenever she gets near me? *That* Kyande?? And she's what, your girlfriend now?"  
  
This elicited three different responses from the arguing trio, who all stopped and gaped at him.  
  
"Hey! That 'midget terror' is three inches taller than *me*!!"  
  
"That chick? Geez, Ryuuzaki, I didn't know you went for girls who looked like big-eyed freakin' eight-year-olds. And who bit people. And who are on a constant sugar high."  
  
"First off, Kyande is *not* a midget terror! Second off, she's my friend, and we've been friends since before I can remember, and that's all! And *third* off, she does *not* look like an eight-year-old."  
  
"Heh heh, I suppose midgets will gravitate towards other midgets."  
  
Everyone looked askance at Bakura, who had an uncharacteristic smirk on his lips. The minute he noticed the looks, he put on an innocent face and shrugged.  
  
"What?"  
  
Yuugi became very nervous, and quickly gathered up all of Ryuuzaki's cards. Shoving them into the surprised dinosaur duellist's hands, he signalled to Jounouchi and quickly turned Ryuuzaki around, steering him away from "Bakura" and out the door of the arena.  
  
"Okaywellit'sbeennicebutyougottagonowseeyoulaterRyuuzakithanksforeverythingi fyourdinoseverneedanupgradejustaskmygrandpahe'llhelpyouokaybye!!"  
  
Ryuuzaki didn't have time to protest before Yuugi shoved him outside and slammed the door on his face. The smaller boy then turned to look at Bakura, who was still gazing back innocently.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
"Yeah," Honda said flatly, stepping between Bakura and Yuugi. "You. You're not Bakura."  
  
Jounouchi immediately began looking around for things to restrain the pale- haired boy with. Anzu stepped back from him carefully. Yami no Bakura, seeing that he had been discovered, dropped his façade and grinned evilly.  
  
"Oh, don't look so shocked. You knew I'd catch on sooner or later; and Ryou may think he can block me, but I'm not as oblivious as he'd like me to be--"  
  
"You knew all along," Yuugi stated, a sinking feeling in his stomach that certainly wasn't from eating hair gel.  
  
"Well, duh. And now, I think this little game of 'Let's Get Rid Of The Ring' is at an end-"  
  
Without warning, Yami no Bakura dove forwards and knocked a startled Honda's feet out from under him. Jounouchi lunged, but the tomb robber was faster and brought the blond boy down with a punishing blow to his head. As Anzu screamed and rushed forwards, Yami no Bakura turned on Yuugi with an evil gleam in his eye, and began to advance on the frightened young boy.  
  
"-as is your ownership of the Sennen Puzzle."  
(1)- mou hitori no boku=my other half, what Yuugi calls Yami no Yuugi in the sub. (2)- bonkutsu na duellist=pathetic or mediocre duellist, yet another little nickname Kaiba has for Jounouchi.  
  
A/N: Bwahahahaaaa! I love cliffhangers. Don't worry, folks, I'll update soon, I promise. Next chapter: Bandit Keith has some Ring pizza, Anzu takes drastic measures, and Yuugi finds out why you shouldn't put 3000-year- old magical artefacts in the school furnace.hee hee. ^-^ 


	2. That new pizza topping, isn't

Finally, another chappie up!! To my reviewers: Blue Loon Lagoon: heh, yeah, Yami no Bakura's not picky about what he eats. Comes from bein' a tomb robber, I suppose; you spend that long around dead stuff and you get that hungry, nothin' makes ya queasy. And I get the feeling that the Duel Monsters just have really sensitive digestive systems.^-^ Sailor Comet: Thankees! And if you squint at it just right, there *are* a few tiny little hints of Honda/Ryou in here, but I'm not gonna go into it: even the Kaiba/Jounouchi references are just there for the gag value (i.e. everyone in Domino knows how Jounouchi feels about Kaiba.except Kaiba! ^- ^). If you want a really good Honda/Ryou fic, go to Kyokou Geemu forums and find Fran's "Untitled Honda and Bakura" in the fanfic section. It's loads of adorable WAFF.^-^ TobyKikami: Did I forget to mention that I became a Ryuuzaki fan because of you? It's the corrupting influence of WTDAEP and Crisis of Faith, I tell ya. Not that I mind. ^-^ And yeah, poor dinos and dragons. They get no love. Honestly, using the BEWD like it was a garbage disposal! Not to mention Serpent Night Dragon. The "bat" thing is a running joke at KG: know how Ryou can never get rid of the Ring no matter how hard he tries? Well, since YnB is "Bat-Head" (the hair), the bat came back the very next day. ^-^  
  
= = = = = =  
  
PART FOUR  
  
= = = = = =  
  
"-as is your ownership of the Sennen Puzzle!"  
  
Yuugi felt his back press against the wall as Yami no Bakura advanced on him. The tomb robber's eyes were fixed hungrily on the Sennen Puzzle. Yuugi chanced a glance past the thief, to where Honda and Jounouchi, both dazed and semi-conscious, were struggling to their feet. Anzu was sprinting across the room with her handbag in the attack position, but she was still too far away: the thief could snatch his Puzzle and bolt long before she reached them. Yuugi closed his eyes and cried out to his other half in his mind.  
  
"Gnnn--RAAAAAAAGH!! Ryou, you imbecile, what do you think you're do- NAAARRRGH!!!!"  
  
Yuugi opened one eye and peeked at Yami no Bakura, who was snarling and clutching his skull like he'd been struck upside the head. Then he felt the power of the Puzzle envelope him, and with a sigh of relief he relinquished control to his other half.  
  
Yami no Bakura recovered himself and looked up just in time to see Yuugi's features sharpen and a wily grin spread across the boy's face.  
  
"What's Ryou doing? Buying me time, of course." Yami no Yuugi shut his eyes as energies surrounded him, then directed his hands towards Yami no Bakura, who to his horror found himself also glowing.  
  
"Wha-what the Hell are you-?"  
  
"Just appropriating a few of your powers, O King of Thieves," Yami no Yuugi sneered, before unleashing the full force of the magic spell he'd gathered around him. With a scream, Yami no Bakura fell to his knees, his features softening as he once more became Ryou Bakura. Yami no Yuugi sighed with relief and vanished into the Puzzle as Anzu skidded to a halt next to him, her eyes wide.  
  
"Are you alright, Yuugi? Bakura? That psycho, he didn't hurt you, did he?"  
  
Yuugi, also back to himself again, patted Anzu's shoulder reassuringly before looking over at Bakura. Honda was hauling Jounouchi to his feet, but as soon as he knew his blond friend was alright, he went over and helped Bakura up as well. The white-haired boy looked shaken and rather ill.  
  
"Uhh-goodness, I feel terrible. Yuugi, what did, um, your other half do to him just now?"  
  
Yuugi had a brief mental exchange with Yami no Yuugi, then smiled. "He says he stole some of the Sennen Ring's power and used it to seal your other half inside there, like he did to us in our cards. I guess that's poetic justice."  
  
"Ow, my head," Jounouchi moaned, rubbing the lump at the base of his skull. "Bakura, if I ever find a way to get at that creep that doesn't involve hurting you, rest assured that I'll beat the living shit out of him!"  
  
Bakura blinked for a moment, then flinched. "Er-is it permanent?"  
  
"No," Yuugi told him, "mou hitori no boku says it's only a short-term solution, since the spell won't last more than a few days."  
  
"Ah, alright. I guess because, um, well-"  
  
"What's the matter, Bakura?" Anzu asked him, concerned.  
  
"Ah, well, he seems rather unhappy about this turn of affairs, and he's telling me so in no uncertain terms. He can still contact me, even though he's lost his powers. I wish he wouldn't." Bakura shuddered again. "He's using absolutely dreadful language."  
  
"Oh, yeah? What's he saying?" Jounouchi asked with interest, until Anzu bopped him on the arm.  
  
"You're not helping, Jounouchi! Listen, if this is temporary, we need to use the time mou hitori no Yuugi bought us to get rid of the Ring."  
  
"Maybe we should try feeding it to Exodia." Honda mused as he dusted Bakura and himself off.  
  
Jounouchi was about to make fun of his friend for forgetting that Exodia was currently somewhere on the floor of the Pacific Ocean, when his stomach rumbled loudly. Everyone turned and stared at him.  
  
"Geez, Jounouchi, that sounded like a Gargoyle with PMS!" Honda snickered. Jounouchi turned bright red with embarrassment; fortunately, Yuugi took pity on him.  
  
"We all missed lunch today, didn't we, guys? Come on, we'll be able to think better on full stomachs."  
  
"I could try getting us a discount at Burger World," Anzu offered as the teenagers left the Kaiba Land arena.  
  
"Or maybe we could just feed the Ring to Jounouchi," Honda stage- whispered to her. "That'd solve all our problems right there!"  
  
= = = = = = = =  
  
Bakura didn't say much on the way to the restaurant, because he was busy with his own mental conversation. He'd been putting it mildly when he'd said his dark half had been using "dreadful" language: ear-scorching, brain-burning, soul-destroying language was more like it. A quarter of the words his Yami was using he didn't understand, another quarter he only had a very general idea of what they meant, and the remaining half he *wished* he couldn't understand.  
  
As the teenagers carried on walking, Yami no Bakura alternated between trying to cajole Ryou into letting him out, cursing both Ryou and Yami no Yuugi for the offspring of particularly unattractive camels (among other things), and ranting about what he was going to do when he got his paws on the remaining Sennen Items. Try what he would, Ryou found he couldn't get the normally close-mouthed tomb robber to shut up.  
  
\...Cut off his nuts and use them for juggling balls, I swear.by the eyes of my ancestor Apo, who does he think he is?!! And *you*, you milk- faced, whining little fucking traitor, trying to go behind my back like that.you're unworthy to be my host!!\  
  
Ryou, knowing that for the moment he was free from Yami no Bakura's power, responded with unusual mental snarkyness. /Well, under other circumstances, I'd say go find someone else, but right now I think we've found a more effective solution to your problem, koe./  
  
\Oh, I *know* what you mean, you little skank! Cursed be the eyes and ears of she that bore you, lying fork-tongued passive-aggressive little- \  
  
/Lying?? *Fork-tongued*??? Look who's talking!!/  
  
\Oooh, if I weren't stuck here, I'd inflict pain such as your tiny little mind cannot even imagine.!!\  
  
Ryou finally managed to shut out most of his dark side's maniacal tirade as they reached a small patio restaurant. Jounouchi's stomach- rumbling had reached a crescendo by now, so Anzu opted to forget the employee discount and eat here instead, lest the blond fall over and die of starvation. Yuugi was disappointed because the place didn't sell burgers, but they did have excellent stir-fry, so in no time everyone was chowing down furiously.with the exception of Bakura, who just picked absently at his food with a sigh.  
  
Just as Yuugi was offering Anzu and Honda the rest of his oversized plate, a storm of giggling caught their attention. Across the patio, a half-dozen schoolgirls were hovering around one particular table like a bunch of nervous sparrows, apparently waiting for the table's occupant to finish autographing one of their number's shirt. Yuugi blinked and did a double-take as he recognized the harried-looking gaijin who was the cause of all the activity.  
  
"That can't be.Bandit Keith?"  
  
The American duellist looked up with surprise written on his features, but his response was drowned out by the squealing girls. Finally Keith's fan club left him alone, and the older man glowered darkly at the group of teenagers gaping wide-eyed at him.  
  
"Well, what are you staring at, huh?"  
  
Yuugi quickly averted his eyes and muttered something apologetic, but Jounouchi, full of food and in a better fighting spirit, glowered right back.  
  
"Nothing much, apparently. What're you doing here?"  
  
"What's it look like?" Keith stopped looking put-upon and grinned suddenly. "I can't go anywhere without getting mobbed by chicks. Is it just me, or are Japanese girls a little obsessive?"  
  
Jounouchi had to be restrained from spitting stir-fry at Keith, and Honda only barely managed to keep Anzu from using her Handbag o' Doom on the American's skull. Keith, apparently deciding that he'd made the Yuugi- tachi mad enough for the moment, stopped a waitress and ordered a large pizza for himself, then put his shades back on and settled in his chair to wait.  
  
Anzu was still shaking with rage. "Obsessive, huh? I'll give that lousy gaijin *obsessive*!"  
  
Jounouchi carried on scowling at his former opponent as Ryou watched Keith munching away at an appetizer. The white-haired boy clicked his tongue mentally at his dark half.  
  
/His table manners are atrocious! Almost as bad as yours, in fact./  
  
\You don't know about bad table manners until you've seen someone eating live dung beetles.\  
  
Ryou blanched. /Ugh! That's revolting!/  
  
\No, my host,\ Yami no Bakura responded snidely, \that's the life of a tomb robber. You eat what you can, when you can, niceties and taste be damned.\  
  
/It doesn't sound like fun./  
  
\Did I ever say it was?\  
  
There was an uncomfortable mental silence between the two of them, and it occurred to Ryou that this was probably the longest conversation they'd had since his possession of the Ring without being interrupted by Yami no Bakura trying to murder his friends or steal something. He mentioned this mentally to Yami no Bakura, who snorted uncomfortably.  
  
\Blech, mush. Don't you dare go sentimental on me, you puling weakling: the only reason I haven't done anything is because that %$#@ Pharaoh sealed me in here.\  
  
/I know./  
  
\Hmph,\ Yami no Bakura groused, and changed the subject. \I think that Bandit Keith person over there must have been a tomb robber himself in a past life, the way he eats.\  
  
Ryou watched the American stuff an entire roll into his mouth with distaste. Jounouchi, he noticed, had stopped scowling, and was looking at Keith almost - was it? - thoughtfully. After a moment or two further of blatant staring, the blond's eyes lit up and he grabbed Yuugi by the jacket collar, pulling him close.  
  
"Hey, Yuugi, I just had an idea-!"  
  
As Jounouchi whispered in his friend's ear, Ryou was distracted by Yami no Bakura's muttering.  
  
\Bandit Keith-hah! If I ever face him, I'll show him who's got the right to call himself a bandit! Me, Bakura, King of Thieves, upstaged by some usurper in idiotic headgear - what the-?\  
  
Ryou suddenly felt his dark half's presence diminish as Yuugi swiped the Ring from around his friend's neck. Holding a finger to his lips, the shorter boy beckoned Jounouchi, and the two of them crawled under the table and towards the kitchen door of the restaurant, taking care not to be seen by Bandit Keith. A befuddled Ryou stared after them as Yami no Bakura's voice grew faint.  
  
\Hey!! What are they doing?!\  
  
/I honestly have no idea-/  
  
\Some host *you* are! Get me out of he-!\  
  
Ryou was cut off. To his dismay, he felt almost distressed at the sudden absence of the tomb robber. *Am I going insane? I should be *glad* to get rid of him, whatever Jounouchi and Yuugi have got planned!*  
  
Moments later, Jounouchi and Yuugi snuck back to the table and made themselves comfortable, Yuugi snickering and Jounouchi trying not to smirk and failing. Honda eyed them both suspiciously.  
  
"So what did you two do with the Sennen Ring?"  
  
"You'll see," was all Yuugi managed before bursting into a fit of giggles.  
  
After another few minutes of awkward silence, a waitress returned bearing Keith's pizza. Jounouchi nudged Bakura and pointed as the American duellist opted to forgo utensils entirely and simply picked up the pizza by its edges. He opened his mouth and chomped down with vigour.  
  
"OOWWWWWWWWCH!!! Motherfucking bastard sonofa-!!"  
  
Jounouchi collapsed laughing on the table and Yuugi fell off his seat. Bakura exchanged a horrified look with Honda, and Anzu spat out her drink all over the tablecloth.  
  
"You didn't!" Bakura gasped, staring at Jounouchi and Yuugi.  
  
"We did - oh, boy, did we ever!"  
  
Ryou blinked. *Did it work, then?*  
  
\NO, you insufferable moron, I'm still here! The Ring's undamaged.\  
  
/Oh./  
  
Ryou informed his friends of this, which didn't seem to diminish their mirth. However, they soon had another problem on their hands.  
  
Keith looked up at the helplessly laughing Yuugi, Jounouchi, and Anzu, and his eyes narrowed. Clutching his jaw, the burly American left his table and stomped up to them, looming over the Yuugi-tachi with venom in his gaze.  
  
"YOU!" He hissed, focusing on Jounouchi.  
  
"Y-yeah?" The blond managed to sputter.  
  
"You did this, didn't you, you punk? You put this piece of shit in my pizza!!" To illustrate, Keith held up a cheese-and-tomato-covered, steaming Sennen Ring.  
  
Ryou blushed and held out his hands. "Um, actually, Mr. Howard, it's my Ring."  
  
\Piece of shit??!!\ Yami no Bakura raged in his lighter half's head. \Who's *he* calling a piece of shit?! How would he like it if I came over and called his apartment a dung heap, hmm?\  
  
/Oh, hush up!/ Ryou snapped nervously at the tomb robber, as Keith's glare darkened. The American seemed to sense that Jounouchi, not Bakura, was behind his unwanted pizza topping, because he rounded on the blond once more.  
  
"Listen, Jounouchi, you little prick, I could have broken my jaw on that thing! And unless your rich boyfriend feels like paying for my fillings to be replaced-!"  
  
"Hey, I don't have a boyfriend!" Jounouchi protested, bemused. Then, "Hey, if you're implying that Yuugi and I are - "  
  
"No, you jackass, I mean your boyfriend the whack job who's obsessed with Blue Eyes dragons!"  
  
Jounouchi turned bright red as Honda hid a smile. "Seto Kaiba?!! He's *not* my boyfriend!!"  
  
"Yeah, and I'm not from New York." Keith poked experimentally at his teeth, then frowned down at the teenagers. "You're just lucky there's no permanent damage, or there would have been Hell to pay from you brats!"  
  
With that, Keith stomped out of the patio and down the street in a huff, leaving behind the pizza, the Ring, and a very flustered waitress. Anzu looked after him for a moment, then called out with a wicked smile on her lips, "Hey, Howard-san!! Aren't you going to sue us, then?!"  
  
The parting gesture Keith made at Anzu needed no translation from English to Japanese, but the teenagers were laughing too hard to notice.  
  
Ryou watched as Jounouchi and Honda picked the cheese and tomato off the Ring and ate it. /Have you ever tried cheese, koe?/  
  
\No.\ Why did Yami no Bakura sound so sulky? Was it because he couldn't get out of the Ring and murder people - or perhaps - it was because he felt betrayed by his host? Ryou relayed the question, and the tomb robber made a rude noise in response.  
  
\As if! Betrayed? By *you*?! I don't need you any more than an ibis needs a three-wheeled chariot!\  
  
"Bakura, eat some food already!" Honda admonished the boy, snapping him out of his reverie. "I know we didn't succeed in getting rid of that thing, but that's no reason to starve yourself to death."  
  
\Indeed, that lout Captain has a point.\ Yami no Bakura remarked before breaking contact with Ryou, who blinked, then obediently tucked in to his dinner. Yuugi had meanwhile changed the subject to lighter matters, after congratulating Anzu on her "zinger" to Keith.  
  
"Hey, guys, it's our class's turn to clean out the basement tomorrow."  
  
"Oh, yuck!" Anzu made a face. "That place is all full of spiders and stuff! Disgusting!"  
  
"Aw, Anzu's scared of the creepy-crawlies crawling up her skirt!" Jounouchi snickered and ducked before Anzu could deliver one of her famed right hooks. When he judged it was safe, he sat back up straight. "Shot *not* doing the furnace room."  
  
"That place is the worst," Honda agreed. "Bakura, you want to stay away from that room: not only is it smelly and full of bugs I don't even know the names for, but the lock on the furnace door is broken. If you're not careful or really huge, the seniors will come down sometimes and see who's on furnace duty, and then they'll pitch your stuff into the furnace itself!"  
  
Bakura blinked. "High temperatures?"  
  
Honda nodded. "Very. You know Hanasaki? He brought in a bowie knife one time for a project in shop class, and these two older kids got it and pitched it in there and it completely melted; they probably would have done the same to Hanasaki if Yuugi and Jounouchi hadn't caught them and beaten them up."  
  
Yuugi blushed. "Well, actually Jounouchi was the one who fought them: I just tried to get Hanasaki out of there." Jounouchi preened until Anzu brought him down to earth sharply.  
  
"Yeah, but the only reason Jounouchi knows about the furnace room so well was because *he* used to be the one who'd throw the little kids' things in the fire." Jounouchi grumbled under his breath about Anzu learning to keep her mouth shut, but an idea was already forming in Bakura's head.  
  
\You wouldn't.\  
  
/You said you didn't need me any more than an ibis needs a three- wheeled chariot, didn't you?/ Without waiting for an answer, Bakura shut the link between his dark side and himself, and turned to his friends, who stared at him.  
  
"If you guys are okay with that, can Yuugi and I do furnace room duty?"  
  
= = = = = = = = = 


	3. Crotchgrabbing and comeuppance again

A/N: Finally, after sooo long a new chapter! Whee! ^_^  
  
To the reviewers:  
  
Blue Lagoon Loon: If you dun like bugs, then you're *really* not gonna like what Jou and Honda are trying to do in this chappie.^^;  
  
Toby Kikami: Yeppers, that's the right song. And you'd best believe Keith probably has a following of fan girls in the YGO-verse. According to Yukie over at KG, they're skeery and mail him their underpants, ohyestheyare. *cackle* And although the school furnace doesn't blow up, YnB *does*--in the metaphorical sense, o'course.  
  
Sailor Comet: *gives s'mores to her to toast* Gomen, sorry for the long wait! And not to worry, the Bakuras will not be separated, for better or for worse.^_^  
  
Kool-Aid Addict: Mwee! Again, I'm so sorry for the delay. Dear Lord, it's *watchiiiing* meeeee-- *hides*  
  
Yami Mikan et. al.: Uh, yeah. Remind me to nail your door shut when you're asleep, imouto-chan. That way your plethora of spirits can't sneak in and bother me. Well, anyway, here's the next chapter for your enjoyment. That way Ki will stop throwing pointy objects at me over the breakfast table. @_@  
  
CHAPTER FIVE = = = = = = =  
  
Ryou wiped beads of sweat from his forehead, toying nervously with the Ring as he watched Yuugi scraping spiders off the hatch to the furnace. The near-totally dark, smelly, sooty little room looked to be a post-war bomb shelter or something, and neither he nor Yuugi, who'd volunteered to come along, liked it much. However, it would serve their purpose, or so he hoped.  
  
"Are you sure Tsuzuki-sensei isn't going to suspect anything?" Ryou asked for the umpteenth time. Yuugi sighed and picked a stray arachnid out of his hair.  
  
"I'm absolutely positive. He's claustrophobic anyways, so he won't hang around down here. Too stuffy. Now, I wonder if they've fixed the latch on this--"  
  
Outside, Ryou heard an unnerved screech and feminine yells of protest, followed by familiar laughter from Honda and Jounouchi, neither of whom were bothered by bugs and both of whom still retained their preschool tendencies of sticking said bugs in girls' hair. Suddenly, footsteps sounded outside: before Ryou could hide the Ring, a figure in a pink blazer burst inside.  
  
Bakura groaned inwardly: it was Miho, Honda's sometime crush and his own personal tag-along. She wasn't bad in most ways--but Bakura *really* wasn't interested in girls, and Miho never really seemed to have grasped that fact. She approached his elbow, panting nervously, and the white- haired boy realized belatedly that she wouldn't be able to see the Ring anyways in the dim light.  
  
"Bakura? Is that you?"  
  
"Erm--yes, yes it is. What's the matter?"  
  
"Oh, that stupid Jounouchi is sticking bugs in people's hair again," she muttered, undisguised disgust in her soft voice. "And Honda's helping. He can be such a lout sometimes!"  
  
*And this after he admitted he loved you?* Ryou thought briefly, aware that it was uncharitable to judge Miho, but unable to forget Yuugi's musings about how much Honda had liked her. *Maybe he wouldn't have been such a lout if you'd given him a chance.*  
  
\And maybe, my host, you should take your own advice.\  
  
Ryou flinched, and then noted the fleeting air of fear in his darker half's mental voice. He felt bad--for a moment.  
  
/Last time I checked, Honda never murdered anyone. Nor did he try to institute a reign of darkness on the whole planet./  
  
\Oh? Go ask him, he might surprise you.\  
  
Ryou debated saying something biting to his other half, but was interrupted when Miho poked his shoulder.  
  
"Hmm, sounds like the cavalry may have arrived."  
  
Yuugi, meanwhile, had sidled up to Ryou and was now trying to suppress a giggle at the sounds from out in the basement storage area. Anzu had apparently left in a huff, and returned with a member of the freshman girl's physical education class. Specifically, Ryou could hear Shizuka Kawai chewing her brother and his best friend out for being immature dorks to Anzu.  
  
"--you *know* she's got arachnophobia, Honda; it's just mean to do stuff like that!"  
  
"Shizuka, it was just a joke, we didn't mean--"  
  
"Nii-chan, I can't believe you'd help Honda with something like this. I mean, what would you do if some guy put bugs in my hair, knowing *I* was scared of them?"  
  
A pause, and then, guiltily, "I guess I'd kick his ass."  
  
"Exactly. Now tell me how Anzu's feelings are different from mine?"  
  
"Uhh--"  
  
Yuugi rolled his eyes at Ryou, barely visible in the glow radiating outwards from the furnace. "I'll go break that mess up, if you don't mind: Shizuka will get in trouble if she leaves her class for too long. The door's all clear."  
  
As soon as he was gone, Miho squeezed closer to Ryou and looked at him intently. "So, what are you and Yuugi doing cleaning out the furnace room? It can't be very good for your health--"  
  
"Ah, nothing," Ryou said, wishing that Miho would lose interest and go elsewhere. "We just figured we could get it done faster than anyone else."  
  
"That's very conscientious of you," Miho said perkily. Then, "EEK! Did you hear that?!"  
  
"Hear what? You squeaking?" Ryou asked rather shortly as Miho jumped and clung to him like a drowning woman to a lifeline.  
  
"No, silly, something scuttling around outside--it was a rat, I know it. I can't stand rats!"  
  
Ryou was about to remind her that unless she had done something foolish like coat her ankles in honey, she was in no danger from rodents--when he suddenly noticed where Miho's hands had migrated.  
  
"GAAH! Miho, what on earth d'you think you're doing?!!"  
  
"What?" Miho squeezed, and then realized belatedly that she was grabbing Ryou's crotch. "Oh. Um--Oops?"  
  
"Get OFF!" Ryou yelped, trying to pry Miho forcibly away from himself. Unfortunately, this only resulted in her grabbing the edge of his uniform jacket and yanking it up in the process. After a scuffle and several minutes of squeaking and howling, Ryou finally managed to shuck the disgruntled Miho off his back. She sniffed and looked hurt.  
  
"I wasn't doing that on purpose, you know."  
  
"Right," Ryou muttered, edging away from her nervously lest she attempt to jump his bones. Inside his head, he could feel wrath from the Ring's inhabitant building up like water behind a dam.  
  
Miho "hmph-ed" and turned to leave, pausing only to add, with an injured look at the white-haired boy, "You know, Bakura, you're not very nice! I bet Honda wouldn't have shoved me around like a sack of potatoes!"  
  
It was lucky that she left at that point, with a flounce of her skirt, because Yami no Bakura fairly well exploded about two seconds later.  
  
\POLITE!!! That grabby little slut, how dare she?!!!\  
  
/I think it really was an accident, koe,/ Ryou acknowledged, startled by the fury in his other half's voice.  
  
\Accident, my eye!! She tried to cop a feel on you!!! Honda wouldn't have shoved her around--honestly!!!\  
  
Ryou paused, a little rattled. /Koe?/  
  
\What?!\ came the snarly reply.  
  
/Are you--jealous?/  
  
\WHAT?!!! NO! Of course not!\  
  
Ryou paused, listening to the ancient soul's vehement denials while staring at the now-accessible furnace hatch. He realized, with a start, that he was beginning to have second thoughts about destroying the Ring. In the past, his sociopath darker half had been both a torment and comfort to him, a part of himself that he had to protect others against: lately, however, he was discovering more about his other self than he'd ever thought possible. Yami no Bakura, rendered helpless, was easier to understand than Yami no Bakura in control of their shared body. It was easier now for Ryou to read his unwanted "guest's" emotions--and Yami no Bakura seemed more human now to his unwilling host than ever before.  
  
*Stop that. He's a horror. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He hurt the only real friends you've ever had.*  
  
Ryou steeled himself and moved towards the furnace hatch. The heat grew greater, and as if in reciprocation, his other half's fear grew as well, forced through the link in their souls. Ryou paused, and willed himself to raise his hand, to open the furnace hatch.  
  
His arm would not comply. And Ryou knew immediately that it was not because someone else's will was controlling it.  
  
/I can't do this./  
  
\What?!\  
  
/I can't destroy y-I can't do this./  
  
The tomb robber's fear receded, replaced by-was it?-a tentative sort of hopefulness. \You-you can't?\  
  
Ryou sighed unhappily. /Maybe I *am* weak, like you said--but no, I can't do that to you./  
  
Yami no Bakura was silent, but Ryou sensed his bewilderment all the same. When no biting remarks were forthcoming, the pale-haired boy sighed and started towards the furnace room door--  
  
--and ran slap-bang into the massive torso of upperclassman Goro Inoshigara.  
  
Ryou squeaked as shrilly as Miho had and tried to leap backwards, but the gigantic, spike-headed senior grabbed the smaller boy by his collar before he could escape, hefting him until his toes barely touched the ground. Ryou struggled frantically, looking up into the senior's bleak face, the right half of which still bore traces of burns from a disastrous game with Yuugi involving a test tube full of nitro. Inoshigara glowered.  
  
"I come down here to get some sports equipment, and instead I get disrespect from a bunch of idiot sophomores. You, you're Bakura, right?"  
  
"Y-yes." Bakura managed, as his windpipe was currently under a great deal of stress.  
  
Inoshigara's glare darkened, and his eyes lit on the Sennen Ring in Bakura's hand. "Obviously, you don't know how we do things at this school. Allow me to demonstrate."  
  
To Ryou's horror, the huge senior yanked the Ring from his quaking fingers, and in a few deft, practiced movements, stepped across the room, flung open the furnace hatch, and tossed the Ring inside.  
  
Ryou felt utter horror coursing through him, some of which was his own, most of which was Yami no Bakura's. /KOE!!/  
  
\SHIT!! What the he-?!!\ Ryou heard his other half's voice cut off, and a shock of despair and loss wracked his mind. Unbidden, tears sprang into his eyes: minutes ago, he would have been willing to do this thing himself, but now--  
  
Inoshigara noticed Ryou's sniffles. "Geez, you *are* a wuss, aren't you?" He turned and half-dragged, half-carried Ryou out of the furnace room, into the basement proper, and up the stairs. In the semi-darkness, Ryou could see a fight had broken out between a group of newly-arrived seniors from the gym, and the sophomore class. Jounouchi could be heard yelling threats and cracking skulls somewhere at the back, Anzu was apparently laying about with a baseball bat, but where were Honda and Yuugi--?  
  
"OI! You, Inoshigara, get your hairy paws off Bakura!!"  
  
Out of nowhere, Honda leapt in front of the gigantic senior, fists cocked and ready for battle. Ryou felt a thrill of joy at the sight, briefly offsetting the loss and fear crowding in on him. Unfortunately, it was short-lived, as Inoshigara just chuckled and swept the tall brunet against the wall of the basement stairwell with one hand, knocking him flat.  
  
"Honda!!"  
  
Inoshigara ignored him and continued upwards, muttering about not being able to stand crybabies. Behind him, Bakura could hear Anzu yelling "Yuugi, that psycho's got Bakura!"; for some reason, this seemed to make the gigantic senior nervous, as he increased his pace. The two of them emerged to a deserted main hallway, and Inoshigara promptly picked Ryou up and slammed him against the wall.  
  
"If you're going to insist on whining, girly-boy, I'm going to give you something to cry about!"  
  
Ryou, wide-eyed and frozen with terror, struggled feebly, aware that his whimpering was only making the vicious senior student angrier.  
  
*Oh god, he's going to beat me into a pulp--someone, anyone, please, help me--*  
  
Suddenly, he felt a strange sense of detachment from the whole affair. The world went dark, and then utterly black. *Odd--has he killed me? Did he break my neck? Wait a minute, I'm not dead--I can see now--*  
  
Ryou looked up at Inoshigara, and realized fuzzily that he, or someone using his mouth, was speaking to his assailant.  
  
"Wuss, is it? Girly-boy, I believe you called him."  
  
"Him?" Inoshigara asked scornfully. "What are you, nuts? Just shut up and take your lesson like a man!"  
  
"I'll give *you* a lesson," hissed the Bakura-who-was-not-Bakura, and suddenly, Ryou recognized, with a thrill of delight, the sensations coming over him. It had been a while since it had happened, thanks to Yami no Yuugi, but it could only be one thing--  
  
/Koe?!/  
  
\Yes. Apparently, fire works no better on the Ring than water. And be damn grateful that's the case!\  
  
Ryou watched with detachment as his own fist, propelled by Yami no Bakura, crashed into Inoshigara's jaw. The tomb robber, well versed in physical combat when his guile didn't work, started pummelling his huge opponent with all four limbs. Between blows, Ryou could hear his dark half shouting at the battered and bewildered bully.  
  
"THE ONLY ONE--*oomph!*--WHO GETS TO CALL MY HOST--*crunch!*--A WUSS-- *crack!*--IS *ME*!!!!!"  
  
The erstwhile King of Bandits delivered a final kick to Inoshigara's stomach, knocking him over on his back. The behemoth senior, attempting to rise with fear stamped on his brutal features, glanced past Bakura and suddenly went pale. He stood up, turned, and limped off down the hall as fast as he could. Yami no Bakura crossed his arms over his chest and smirked triumphantly.  
  
"Look at that lout: he's scared to death of me!"  
  
"Actually, I think he's scared to death of *me*," Yami no Yuugi commented casually as he approached his foe from behind. "Although that was a remarkable display of ancient Egyptian martial arts, 'Bakura': nice work."  
  
"Man, am I ever glad you're okay!" Honda gasped, wandering up in Yuugi's wake with Miho, Anzu, Jounouchi, and Seto Kaiba in tow. "I thought for sure Inoshigara was gonna pound you!"  
  
Yami no Bakura's eyes slanted wickedly as he looked the panting, sweaty Honda up and down.and widened when Yami no Yuugi promptly uttered the sealing spell, turning the tomb robber back into his lighter half.  
  
\What the HELL was that for?!! Ungrateful Pharaoh, and just when I'd done something decent for once--\  
  
Ryou allowed shy gratitude to course through his link with his host. /I'm glad you're alright, you lunatic--and thank you./  
  
\Oh, shut up.\ Yami no Bakura groused.  
  
"Are you alright, Honda?" Ryou asked aloud, noticing the lump the tall boy was nursing just above his ear.  
  
"Oh, I'm fine," Honda reassured him with a warm smile. "It's no big deal."  
  
"That's good. So, what exactly *happened* down there anyways?"  
  
Anzu spoke up at that point. "Well, a bunch of the senior class boys came down to get gym equipment ostensibly, but I think they were just looking for a fight with some easy marks. We showed them, though: or rather, Jounouchi, Honda, and Kaiba did."  
  
Kaiba scowled briefly, then shrugged. "You're not half-bad with a baseball bat yourself, Mazaki."  
  
"You really should have seen it," Anzu carried on with a grin, "Yuugi yanked a mat right out from under five guys--"  
  
"Unfortunately, there was no time to start a Game of Darkness," Yami no Yuugi said, sounding rather disappointed.  
  
"--and Kaiba jumped clean over this other guy's head to help Jounouchi take on five boys at once!"  
  
"Just like a knight in shining armour," Miho gushed, smiling sweetly. "Defending maidens and defeating the wicked dragon."  
  
Kaiba shot Miho a withering look, and Jounouchi flushed red and butted in.  
  
"Hey, *I'm* the knight in shining armour--*he's* the dragon!"  
  
"I'm not even gonna get started on the whole 'lance' imagery," Honda muttered to Ryou, who giggled. Kaiba flushed the same shade as Jounouchi and narrowed his eyes at the blond.  
  
"If you're going to make wisecracks, be prepared to back them up. I'll meet you *and* that smart mouth of yours at my car after school, and we'll see just who defeats whom."  
  
With that, the tall brunet turned on his heel and stalked away, leaving Jounouchi looking torn between annoyance and delight. The blond shrugged and half-grinned, before noticing the smirks on Anzu, Honda, and Yami no Yuugi's faces.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing," the former Pharaoh said pleasantly, sauntering past Jounouchi towards the stairwell again. "Have fun playing with your dragon, Jounouchi."  
  
Anzu snorted with laughter.  
  
Honda shrugged and rolled his eyes. "Hey, big deal. C'mon, you guys, we've got to clean up down there, or Tsuzuki-sensei will have our heads." He tugged the rather distracted-looking Jounouchi after him by the arm, then glanced back at Ryou. "You coming along?"  
  
"In a minute," Ryou reassured him. Anzu, noticing that Miho was staring after Kaiba rather forlornly, took pity on her friend.  
  
"Oh, c'mon, you knew he wasn't straight from the moment you saw him, Miho. Hey, Bakura, it was Miho who saw Inoshigara dragging you off first, did you know? I bet there would have been even more trouble from him if she hadn't told me and I hadn't told you!"  
  
Ryou looked at Miho, who blushed and looked at her toes. "Uh, I suppose. Listen, Bakura, I really am sorry for--you know--"  
  
"It's fine," Ryou reassured her, feeling much more charitable. Anzu tugged Miho back downstairs, asking her on the way about taking the boys out for ice cream after school, and Ryou was left alone in the hallway with his thoughts--and his dark side.  
  
/Well, that was rather odd, wasn't it?/  
  
\That High Priest always was a poufter.\  
  
/Oh, hush. *I* didn't know Kaiba wasn't straight--I just thought it was unrequited love on Jounouchi's part./  
  
\Apparently not. So, glad to have me back, my host?\  
  
/Only when you're not causing trouble. And eyeing Honda like he was rare steak. Oh, that reminds me: I wanted to ask you something./  
  
\Ask away, girly-boy wuss.\  
  
Ryou had to laugh. /Were you upset because of Miho trying to grope me--or because of what she said about Honda?/  
  
\Neither!! I was just mad about that bint feeling up *my* body!!\  
  
Ryou smiled, not believing a word of it. /So you like him a bit too, hmm?/  
  
\I do not.\ The tone of offended dignity in the former King of Thieves' voice incurred Ryou's laughter yet again.  
  
As the bell sounded, Ryou made his way to the basement stairwell, his private thoughts confused. He couldn't destroy the vessel of his darker half, and anyways the incident in the basement had proved he couldn't even bring himself to: but there was still the fact that Yami no Bakura was dangerous to others as long as he continued to pursue his goals, most of which involved raising havoc and getting his mitts on the other Sennen Items. The only option now was to figure out a way to keep his other half trapped in the Ring. Yami no Yuugi could do it--but he'd said himself the spell was only temporary, and they needed a somewhat more permanent solution. Ryou felt a little cartoon lightbulb appear over his own head.  
  
*I wonder if the Ishtars will be at the museum this evening--*  
  
= = = = = = = =  
  
A/N: Mwee-hee, alright. I infringed on Elf-san's copyright on dragon jokes and swiped one for myself, not to mention ratcheted up the KaiJou factor in the story and added some not so subtle hints of YnB/B and HonBaku. So sue me. (No, really, don't actually. Yu Gi Oh and all related thingies are definitely not mine, and I have no money). Up next: some Ishtar-baiting as per Icey's request. And Springer. Ph33r my meandering plotline. Oh and yeah, Sailor Comet, I guess ya got your wish. ^__^ 


	4. The Oh Dear God No chapter

CHAPTER SIX  
  
= = = = = = =  
  
Ryou wandered down the hall containing the Egypt exhibits at the Domino Museum. Yuugi and Honda had agreed to accompany him, but they were the only ones, and they were currently inspecting an exhibit on woolly mammoths; Anzu had kindly taken the disappointed Miho out for ice cream, and Jounouchi and Kaiba were presumably still in the school parking lot, "settling the issue" of Jounouchi's mouth.  
  
/He's probably found something else to do with his mouth,/ Ryou thought with a smile, picturing Jounouchi and Kaiba kissing.  
  
\You think so, my host? You're naïve. Allow me to enlighten you.\ Before Ryou could stop him, Yami no Bakura promptly sent a series of images across their mental link that caused the gentler boy to turn bright red with embarrassment.  
  
/KOE!! That's awful!!/  
  
There was no reply, save a mental snicker from the former King of Thieves. Ryou felt his embarrassment turn to anger.  
  
/Where'd you see that? Have you been swiping my body and watching late-night television?/  
  
\No.\  
  
/I ought to go home and wash the Ring out with soap...maybe that'll fix your dirty mind!/  
  
\Look who's talking. I happen to know *exactly* where you keep that doujinshi stash of yours...\  
  
Ryou made a faint "Peep!" noise and turned purple. /You didn't...!/  
  
\Read them? No. I just happen to have first-hand experience in such matters, my wilfully ignorant host.\  
  
/Not experience gained using MY body, I hope!!/  
  
\Perhaps. You weren't very clear about Malik's and my arrangement, now, were you?\  
  
Noting the malicious glee in his unwanted guest's voice, Ryou blanched. /A-are you telling me that you...and Malik...used MY body...to.../  
  
\Do the nasty?\ Yami no Bakura's mental smirk grew more pronounced. \Well now, I think I'll leave that up to you to figure out.\  
  
/I think I shall be ill./  
  
\Oh, it was really quite fun, the time we spent together...there's this trick he does while he's bending over backwards, would you like to know...?\  
  
/No!!/  
  
Ryou tore down the hallway, past a pair of shocked security guards, and into the resident's wing of the museum. Grabbing the handle of the library door, he yanked it open and darted inside, slamming it shut angrily.  
  
/Now be quiet, do you hear me?! Be QUIET!!/  
  
There was a moment of surprised silence, followed by, \My...aren't we feisty today, my host? On you, it's rather attractive...\  
  
/Just...just...please, be quiet and stop telling me things! I don't want to *know* what you've been doing to my body!!!/  
  
"Is something wrong, Bakura?"  
  
It took Ryou a minute or two to realize that the new voice was coming, not from inside his head, but from a table slightly to his left. He let go of the doorknob and turned to find a raven-haired, dark-skinned woman comfortably attired in a loose cotton dress, watching him with bright blue eyes from behind a veritable mountain of old books. On top of the largest pile of these (and there were several piles that completely concealed the table's surface), a mug of steaming tea was balanced precariously.  
  
Ryou bowed hurriedly to the older woman, still more than slightly frazzled by Yami no Bakura's unwanted revelation. "Oh! Ah, hello, Miss Ishtar, erhm...no, no, nothing's wrong at all, I was just wondering if you and your, ah, brothers had a moment free to help me...with...uhm, I think your tea might be about to fall."  
  
Isis Ishtar smiled briefly and waved a careless hand at him. "Not to worry, it'll be fine."  
  
"Ah, no, I don't think it will be, see, it's tilting a bit like it's going to slide off that book—"  
  
Ryou started towards the piece of crockery in question, not noticing the change in Isis' expression. A look of distress crossed the Egyptian's face, and she reached out an arm to stop Ryou.  
  
"No, wait, really, it's alright, you really musn't..."  
  
*CRASH!!*  
  
Ryou yelped as hot tea spattered his hand and washed over the formerly spotless tiles of the library floor. Isis tut-tutted gently and handed him a glass of ice water and a roll of paper towels, both of which she had apparently had hidden among her forest of old books. Ryou held the ice against his hand and looked at her in astonishment. Isis smiled sadly.  
  
"Oh dear, I was afraid that was going to happen."  
  
Ryou blinked, then smiled as understanding dawned on him. "Of course, you foresaw it, didn't you?"  
  
Isis blushed and shrugged, before settling back into her chair again. "Well, anyone with an ounce of common sense can tell if someone is about to blunder into something that might hurt them, but..."  
  
"But you had a premonition that when I came here, I would spill your tea," Ryou finished for her.  
  
"Yes. That's why I moved all the original volumes of Moliere over to the floor on this side. Although I'm sometimes incorrect about my predictions, now I'm missing the Tauk...you've heard of phantom limb syndrome? I think I've got something like that, little leftover repercussions from the Tauk itself." Isis looked regretful, for a moment, then her face brightened. "I thought I had been wrong when you came in and started talking about the tea. In fact, I *was*, in a way; my vision told me you would simply come running in, see the tea, and go for it without saying anything to me first."  
  
Ryou couldn't help himself from staring. He had never met a psychic before who was *pleased* when her predictions were proved inaccurate, but then, Isis Ishtar was no run-of-the-mill fortune teller. Ever since she'd handed over the Sennen Tauk to Yuugi, post-Battle City, she'd seemed a great deal less depressed and solemn than she had beforehand. Malik also appeared to have benefited considerably from relinquishing the Sennen Rod, and a generally improved mood appeared to have spread throughout the whole (limited) Ishtar family.  
  
\I noticed that a while ago, my host...once sources of stress are removed, the sex gets better, at least where dear little Malik is concerned...\  
  
Ryou pointedly ignored the tomb robber's smirking comment, and returned his attention to Isis, who was speaking to him. "So, ahem, before the accident, you mentioned something about wanting to talk to my brothers."  
  
"Yes...yes, actually. I was wondering, I mean, if it's not too sensitive a subject..."  
  
"I'll warn you now," Isis said with a small smile, "Malik's still shy about the tattoo, so if you needed to read something off his back, I'm afraid—"  
  
"No!" Ryou said a little too quickly, even as a mental image of a half-naked Malik in the midst of a make-out session with a certain tomb robber was forced into his mind, courtesy of his "guest". "No, I, um, was just wondering if they could give me some advice."  
  
\Shy, is he? Hmph. Woman obviously doesn't know her brother as well as she thinks...he could hardly *wait* to take his shirt off the first time we...\  
  
/Did I by any remote chance not ask you to SHUT. UP?/  
  
Yami no Bakura was silent for a little while, then made whip-cracking noises with his mouth. Ryou tuned him out pointedly and tuned in to Isis.  
  
"Advice about what? Wait...is it something to do with the yami no jinkaku?"  
  
"As a matter of fact, it is."  
  
"He's been harassing you, has he? And you'd like to find a way to seal him into the Ring permanently."  
  
"Are you *certain* you handed the Tauk over to Yuugi?"  
  
Isis blushed a bit. "Well, yes...but I'm not doing anything mystical. It's just simple deduction. I thought you'd come ask us about this sooner or later, you know."  
  
"Ask us about what?"  
  
Isis and Bakura turned to find Malik peering around the library door. The blond Egyptian's face brightened when he saw Bakura, and he slipped into the room, leaving the door ajar.  
  
"Bakura, what brings you here?"  
  
Bakura smiled warmly at Malik, then remembered himself and held the Ring up for inspection, wiggling it around and causing the pointy bits along its edge to jingle.  
  
"I was hoping you might be able to help me with my...er...guest. He keeps popping out when he's not wanted."  
  
Malik frowned slightly and glanced over at Isis. "Well, unless Honda feels like carving a sealing spell into his own face and then hanging around you night and day...I don't know. Isis?"  
  
Isis rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Well, I don't know any *permanent* way of keeping him in there—remember, he is very powerful...but then again, there *might* be a way..."  
  
\Very powerful is a bit of an understatement, you silly bint, considering I'm the bloody DARKNESS...\  
  
Bakura twitched, feeling his temper rise, and to avoid a mental shouting match with his "guest", pointedly set up a block between them.  
  
The erstwhile Thief King fell silent. Unfortunately, Bakura missed the annoyance smouldering from his dark guest's spirit, as he was paying attention to Isis, who looked as if she might be able to offer some useful advice. Just then, however, a crunch and a pained yelp sounded from directly upstairs, and everyone jumped. Isis looked upwards and grimaced.  
  
"Ohh...that will be Rishid. I *told* him not to try to move so many books into his room at once! Malik, stay here with Bakura, please; I'll be right back!" Before either boy could protest, Isis was gone in a flurry of white cotton. Bakura turned back to Malik, who, the white-haired boy noticed with surprise, was fidgeting awkwardly and even—was he—blushing? Bakura was more than a little perplexed by this: he'd always thought of Malik as terribly self-possessed and cosmopolitan. However, the blond boy was clearly nervous, as indicated by the fact that he was picking nervously at the binding of a priceless book with his fingernail.  
  
Suddenly Malik dropped the book, turned wide violet eyes on Bakura, and said a little breathlessly, "Um...can I ask you something, Bakura?"  
  
"Yes, certainly," Bakura said, watching Malik curiously.  
  
"Are you attracted to other boys?"  
  
Bakura froze up. "I-er-um-ah...maybe?"  
  
Malik's blush became a bit more evident, and his face softened. "Because, there's something I've been wanting to ask you about for a while..."  
  
Honda's face popped into Bakura's mind almost instantly. /Oh, no, of all the times for my life to turn into some sort of bad romantic comedy...why now?/  
  
\God hates you. But, as a certain stuck-up shirt-lifting former priest once said, if God is in your way...kick him in the nuts and walk right on by.\  
  
Bakura barely had time to register that his other half was taking liberties with Kaiba's phrasing (and wonder where Yami no Bakura got off calling *Kaiba* "shirt-lifter), before the King of Thieves took over his body, and he found his mouth saying cheerfully to Malik Ishtar, "Say no more; I'd be perfectly happy to sleep with you."  
  
Malik blinked in surprise, staring at the still innocently-smiling Ryou Bakura. Then he pressed his lips together in annoyance. "That was *not* what I was going to ask you. Is that your poor idea of a joke, Bakura?"  
  
Yami no Bakura, still playing his host to the hilt, put on a quavery pout and let his eyes fill with tears. "So...you don't like me, then?"  
  
"Ah...that's not what I meant," Malik said quickly, softening again. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be unkind..."  
  
/Malik!! I'm not *that* big of a wuss, and you of all people should know that!!/  
  
\Hush, my noisy host. I'm trying to get us some hot Egyptian action; the least you could do is be grateful.\  
  
/I like Malik as a *friend*...and I don't *want* hot Egyptian action, and judging from his reaction to that totally inappropriate proposal of yours, neither does Malik!/  
  
\Feh...that's just because he doesn't know what he's missing yet.\  
  
Bakura paused as the impact of the Thief King's statement hit him. /You big liar! You never slept with Malik, you just told me that to upset me!/  
  
\Duh. If I were going to bang His Angstiness, I'd have made certain you were at least *watching*.\  
  
/How very considerate of you. Now GIVE ME BACK MY BODY!!/  
  
\Hmm...nah.\  
  
"...but I definitely wasn't considering anything so, um, drastic," Malik went on, as the not-exactly-Bakura gave him the full Big Brown Eyes treatment. "I just wondered if you, you know, wanted to go out to a movie or something."  
  
"Oh, that would be wonderful," Yami no Bakura chirped cheerfully, ignoring the gagging noises his host was making to him. Malik smiled, relieved that Bakura's rather odd behaviour of moments ago seemed to have been an anomaly.  
  
His smile vanished as Bakura suddenly developed a predatory grin. "Bakura?"  
  
The former King of Bandits leered at him. "Not exactly."  
  
Before Malik could react, Yami no Bakura grabbed the blond boy by his hair and dragged him into a rather theatrical embrace, causing his host to panic.  
  
/KOE!! What are you doing? Have you lost it?!!/  
  
No answer, but Bakura was still privy to the whole dreadful scene, which included Malik making frantic noises of protest around the suddenly- stronger Yami no Bakura's invasive tongue, and said dark personality's furious groping of, well, just about any part of the young Egyptian's body he could get at.  
  
/Koe, stop trying to shove your tongue down his throat...Oh, to Hell with it!/  
  
With a supreme effort, Bakura seized control of his own arms, allowing Malik time to shove his assailant away. Yami no Bakura regained control instantly, and righted himself with a disgruntled snarl, glowered at Malik, who'd sensibly gotten on the other side of a library table from his would-be ravisher, and was staring at him, breathless, red, and decidedly angry.  
  
"What...was...THAT?!"  
  
Yami no Bakura assumed a disingenuous expression. "What was what?"  
  
"Don't give me that, *you*," Malik snarled, trembling all over. "I thought you already understood that I *will not*...!"  
  
"You seem to have no problem with getting involved with my host."  
  
"Bakura is not a sociopath."  
  
"Oh, and you're Little Mister Law-Abiding yourself?" Yami no Bakura sneered. Malik dropped his eyes and muttered something about being over that sort of thing. The Thief King's smirk broadened.  
  
"I'll just bet you are. And you're not fooling me: the only reason you want the yadonushi is because he plays hard-to-get."  
  
"Or *maybe* it's because he's a nice, kind person who doesn't try to grab me and force himself on me!" Malik snapped furiously, before hiding his face in his hands.  
  
/Leave him alone, koe, you're upsetting him!/  
  
\Phbbt. You know he wants it.\  
  
/If he were a girl, you'd be in a jail cell right now. And you can say he wants it all you want, that doesn't change the fact that he obviously does *not!*/  
  
\Blah blah blah on a bleeding heart. I don't actually *intend* to get with him, I'm just having a bit of fun.\  
  
"Did you ever wonder *why* I was so all-fire eager to blow you to the Underworld with Ra, during the Battle Ship? *This* is why."  
  
Yami no Bakura's attention went back to Malik...and he started. Malik's hair was standing straight up, his voice had taken on a decidedly eerie tone, and his—face—was starting to stretch around.  
  
/Oh no./  
  
"Well, look who's back, the King of Unusual Drugs," Yami no Bakura said, utterly unperturbed. "Got sick of moping around in the Shadows because the Pharaoh kicked your arse, did you? Or..." The Smirk returned. "Or are you here to take me up on my offer?"  
  
"Hardly," purred Yami no Malik, as a few more veins bulged anew from his forehead. "I'm here to teach you to keep your grabby hands off my other self...and off of *me*, by extension."  
  
"You, my friend, need therapy. And lots of tantric sex, if possible."  
  
/Ah, Koe?/  
  
\What?\  
  
/That's mou hitori no Malik./  
  
\So I noticed.\  
  
/It looks like he wants to destroy *both* of us because *you* tried to molest his other half./  
  
\...so?\  
  
/If we live through this...which it is unlikely we will...I'm never opening another present from Tousan again. Straight into the garburator./  
  
\Quit whining. I'm the Darkness, remember? He can't kill me.\  
  
"Since I can't kill you...unfortunately...I think I'll just maim you horribly."  
  
Yami no Bakura's eyes widened as Yami no Malik rummaged around in his pants pockets, and came up with a jackknife. The fiend stood quietly for a moment, contemplating the knife, and then Yami no Bakura's borrowed torso.  
  
"I think I'll castrate you first...and then disembowel you. Then maybe I'll stick some flaming bamboo under your eyelids, just for fun."  
  
\Uh, on second thought, maybe discretion is the better part of valour. For a homicidal maniac, he catches on fast.\  
  
/Now look what you've done! If you'd left me alone, Malik and I could have just gone to a nice movie.../  
  
\And you'd have spent the whole time fussing about whether you actually wanted to be holding hands with the pointy-haired stud or not. Quit nagging. At least this is interesting.\  
  
/We're about to be relieved of *my* internal organs by a madman. And if we survive this, Malik is going to hate me! How is *that* interesting?!/  
  
\Stifle, I'm trying to find an escape route. He's blocking the door, so...\  
  
Yami no Malik went into a crouch, and Yami no Bakura lurched backwards.  
  
\Oops, eh-heh, it looks like we may be out of options...\  
  
Bakura, aware that damage to his body was probably going to hurt even when he wasn't in control, shut his eyes and whimpered.  
  
BANG.  
  
"Get OFF me, you cursed swine! Dung-sucking son of a camel!!"  
  
"Oh, mother of Sekhmet...we have a problem."  
  
"Bakura! Are you okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?"  
  
Bakura opened one eye and then the other, quickly becoming aware that he was now in full control of his body, which was lying flat on the floor. The worried faces of Honda and Yuugi stared down at him, and behind them, through the table legs, he could see Rishid wrestling a thrashing Yami no Malik to the ground. The commotion caused Yuugi to turn and look, and Bakura saw his cheek blanch.  
  
"Uh, Rishid? Why isn't he, you know, turning back into normal Malik?"  
  
"I'll explain later!" Rishid grunted, trying heroically to pry the knife from the psychopath's hands. "Yuugi, please, get Isis-sama! Honda, help me get his legs. We have to get him into the sitting-room."  
  
Yuugi complied, darting around the struggling figures and out the library door. Honda paused a moment, looking down at Bakura, who nodded reassuringly.  
  
"I'll be fine. Go help Rishid!"  
  
As Honda tried to subdue the totally out of control Yami no Malik, who now appeared to be frothing at the mouth, Bakura got shakily to his feet.  
  
/Koe?/  
  
\What?\  
  
/You went right back into the Ring when it looked like the other Malik was going to get us, didn't you?/  
  
\...maybe.\  
  
/All those warm fuzzies I started getting for you yesterday? They've all gone right out the window./  
  
\Boo-hoo. It's called a sense of self-preservation, my snivelling host. If you had one, my life would be *much* easier...\  
  
/You are an utter prick./ And Bakura shut off his contact with his dark side as Honda and Rishid finally managed to carry the kicking, cursing mou hitori no Malik out of the library, down the hallway, and into the adjacent room that served the Ishtar family as a rec room. In the hall, Bakura ran into Isis, who watched her older brother and Honda worriedly.  
  
"Oh, no, not again...I'd better get the bungee cords."  
  
"Isis, please, what's going on? Why did the other Malik come out...and for that matter, why isn't he gone now that Rishid is here?"  
  
Isis motioned for Bakura to follow her as she made for a closet and began rooting around inside of it. "It's a little complicated, but I'd better explain. It seems that—ah, here they are!—that Rishid can contain Malik's dark side pretty much all the time, except when—hold these, please—someone tries to come on to Malik. Then the other Malik gets so angry that even Rishid can't seal him away. We only found this out a few months ago, when some man at a bar hit on him. By the time we found them, the man was, well, I'd better not tell you, it might make you ill. Anyways, this has happened a few times since then, but by trial and error, Rishid and I have figured out a way to subdue him—that's all the bungee cords, now please take them and...wait. You made advances on Malik?"  
  
The older woman's stern gaze pinned Bakura, who shook his head vigorously and pointed at the Sennen Ring. "It wasn't me at all. It was him!"  
  
\Traitor.\  
  
/Like you're not one yourself./  
  
Isis gazed pointedly at the Ring for a moment, and then addressed it in a loud, commanding voice. "I do not approve of older men making advances on my brother; and I approve even less of three thousand year old dead men making advances on my brother. Hands off, or I'll feed you to a typhonic beast." Then before Yami no Bakura could take over and make a snarky comment, she grabbed Bakura by the arm and tugged him down the hallway.  
  
In the sitting room, Honda and Rishid were holding Yami no Malik down in a wooden chair with all their might. Yuugi was there, and trying to be helpful by clinging to the other Malik's legs. Isis entered and handed her bundle of bungee cords to Yuugi.  
  
"Here, take these and tie him up. Bakura, you too, please."  
  
Bakura tried, but every time he got close, Yami no Malik would surge up and try to bite him with furious energy. Eventually, Isis gave up and did it herself, and after a few minutes Yami no Malik was firmly bungee-d to the chair, with only Rishid holding his shoulders to make sure he didn't knock the chair right over. Honda took a deep breath.  
  
"Phew! That was hard. So, what now, we just leave him there?"  
  
\Mm, bondage. Wouldn't mind having Honda tied up in an adjacent chair, now, would you?\  
  
/Remember what Isis said about the typhonic beasts? I'll take her up on it if you say one more word about Honda *or* Malik./  
  
\Shutting up.\  
  
"We most certainly don't," Rishid said shortly. "The cord might cut off Malik-sama's circulation."  
  
"I'll cut off *your* circulation," Yami no Malik rumbled threateningly, "at the neck...hey...what the...?"  
  
Isis had fished a VHS tape out of a box near the room's sole television, and was busily feeding it into the video recorder.  
  
Yami no Malik went pale.  
  
"That's not...what I think it is...?"  
  
"It most certainly is," Isis said sternly, pushing in the tape and turning the volume on the television up.  
  
Bakura watched in fascinated horror as Yami no Malik, quite possibly the most terrifying being he'd ever encountered, started to cringe and writhe, rocking back and forth on his chair as if to try to get away. Rishid, however, held him firmly, so he resorted to putting up a terrible howl. "No, you can't, you wouldn't!! How could you do this to meeee?!!"  
  
Bakura, Honda, and Yuugi glanced at each other in apprehension. What was on that VHS that was so horrible that even Yami no Malik feared it?  
  
Isis looked at her brother's fiendish other half with slight compassion. "It's for your own good." Then she turned the TV on. Bakura instinctively flinched and covered his eyes.  
  
"Care Bear Count-Down! Four-Three-Two-One!"  
  
Yami no Malik started making terrible strangled noises, as Honda unplugged his ears and stared blankly at the multitude of cheerful, brightly-coloured cartoon bears running around the screen. Yuugi, however, was watching the show with interest.  
  
"Hey, I remember this! It's this old gaijin show I used to watch when I was little. Come to think of it," Yuugi added thoughtfully, "the dub was pretty lousy. The English version's a little better, now that I hear it..."  
  
"YAAAARGLARGLEARGLE!!!!"  
  
Honda, Yuugi, and Bakura's attention returned to Yami no Malik, who had slumped forwards in his bonds, his now-limp hair hanging over his face.  
  
"Malik-sama?" Rishid asked, as he and Isis looked worriedly at the still figure.  
  
"Rishid...please, untie me," came the small, weak reply. Rishid did so quickly, and he and Isis helped a decidedly shaken, and decidedly non- Yami Malik to his feet. The blond groaned softly and blinked.  
  
"What—was...Bakura?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Malik," Bakura said softly. The Egyptian managed a small smile.  
  
"No, it's alright, it wasn't your fault at all, I know that. But I guess," he added with a sombre grin, "we'd better postpone that movie for a while, at least until I get the You-Know-What under control. Okay?"  
  
"Okay," Bakura reassured him, returning the smile. Rishid lent the younger boy his shoulder and guided him carefully from the room.  
  
"Come on, Malik-sama, let's get you some tea, and then you can rest for a while."  
  
As soon as the two male Ishtars had left the room, Isis turned to Bakura. "Before you ask, yes, that was the way I was talking about before. Do you want to borrow the tape for a few days and see where it gets you?"  
  
"Yes, thank you," Bakura replied quietly. As soon as Isis had left to follow her brothers, he turned to Yuugi and Honda.  
  
"Um, sorry about all tha—"  
  
"He asked you *out*?" Honda burst out suddenly. "Where does he get off?"  
  
"Honda! I think that was nice of him," Yuugi protested.  
  
"Yeah, real nice. It's no fair," Honda went on, frustration seeping into his voice, "*I* was gonna ask y..."  
  
He stopped himself and looked over worriedly at Bakura, who smiled in spite of himself. "Well, I'm not busy tomorrow night..."  
  
Honda blushed and got rather incoherent, muttering something about getting a couple of tickets to a Bruce Lee double bill, and wandered out into the hallway. Bakura watched him go with a smile still on his lips.  
  
Yuugi grinned. "First Jounouchi and Kaiba, now you and Honda. The cute is everywhere."  
  
"It'd be cuter if you finally got around to asking Anzu out," Bakura teased. Yuugi suddenly became as red and incoherent as Honda had been a moment ago, managing to calm himself only by asking, "So, er, what are you doing tonight that you can't go out with Honda?"  
  
"I plan on trying out Isis', ah, unorthodox method of spirit- containment."  
  
((TBC...))  
  
= = = = = = =  
  
A/N: Finally, another chapter update. Yes, folks, the fic is almost done...in fact, it is, I'm just delaying posting the final chapter because I'm a review whore. Really. XD So thank you a thousand times to my long- suffering readers and reviewers, for being so patient (and for not flaming me for my crappy updating practices, yo). Big thanks to the oh-so-cool BLL, Toby Kikami, and Sailor Comet, who've been reviewing this mess since its conception, to the Mikan-imouto (ph33r the robot monkeys!), and to Sachi-chan, riskygamble, Cho-Joshi, and Elle-Fate 2x1. 


	5. Madness, Jerry, math marks, and twoo wuv

And now, without further ado:  
  
= = = = = = = CHAPTER 7 = = = = = = =  
  
The next morning at Domino High School, a deeply sleep-deprived Ryou Bakura wandered into class and almost sat in someone else's desk. He'd put the Care Bears tape on loop, and then fallen asleep on the floor in front of the TV, under the assumption that Yami no Bakura would absorb some of the programming, become horrified, and lock himself away. Unfortunately, the whole matter had worked in a way very different than the Ishtar's intentions, and not only had Bakura's sleep been invaded by fuzzy, primary- coloured bears, but...  
  
I am eeevil...I am haaaate...I am...NO HEART!! Bwahahahaaaa...  
  
/Please stop saying that./  
  
Silence, Beastly...and bring me my chariot.  
  
Bakura groaned and put his head on his desk. The only thing he could do was nod when Honda asked him shyly if he was still up to their date that night. In fact, he was starting to drift off...  
  
Across the room, however, Jounouchi was making enough commotion that everyone was distracted from Bakura's lethargy. He'd gotten his math test back and scored a '97', and was making sure everyone knew about it. Anzu looked it over and smiled slyly.  
  
"Hmm, Kaiba's been rubbing off on you, has he?"  
  
"Phhtt...nothing to do with Kaiba. I'm just naturally smart," Jounouchi declared cheerfully, completely missing the double-entendre. Anzu rolled her eyes.  
  
"And if you believe that..."  
  
Unnoticed, Bakura sat up, opened his eyes, blinked, and got to his feet, apparently totally absorbed by the ceiling lights. Slowly, with a strange look in his eyes, he clambered onto his chair and looked intently around the buzzing classroom. His not-quite-there gaze settled on Jounouchi, who had made his test into a paper airplane and was aiming it at Kaiba's head. Honda caught sight of him and joined in the discussion.  
  
"Man, what are you doing?"  
  
"Getting Kaiba's attention."  
  
Anzu stared at him. "What are you, three? Why don't you just stick a bug in his hair while you're at it?"  
  
"Yeah, come on, Jounouchi," Honda put in, "that's a crappy way to treat your crush."  
  
"Aw, Honda, you big sap, knock it off," Jounouchi muttered, turning red. "People're gonna hear!"  
  
"Like the whole city hasn't already figured it out...put that thing away, Jounouchi, come on, the teacher's gonna show up any minute!"  
  
Yuugi poked his face over the side of Jounouchi's desk, took in the situation, and smiled at Anzu. "Hey, I wouldn't worry...I think Jounouchi knows what he's doing."  
  
The blond boy grinned at Yuugi and chucked the plane as hard as he could over the heads of the other students, across the classroom to where Kaiba was sitting with his nose in a copy of Ovid's 'Metamorphosis'. The brunet's hand shot out as Jounouchi's delivery got within range, and he snatched it out of the air without even looking up. Kaiba unfolded the airplane, studied it for a moment, and, as Yuugi and his friends looked on in bewilderment, rolled Jounouchi's test up into a ball, popped it into his mouth, chewed on it for a moment or two, then swallowed it.  
  
Honda, Anzu, and Yuugi stared blankly. Jounouchi promptly had a hissy fit.  
  
"You...you utter jackass!!! I was gonna make copies of that, you son of a--!"  
  
Kaiba poked his tongue out at the blond and went back to reading his book. Jounouchi continued to fume and glare daggers at the brunet.  
  
Yuugi was the first to speak up. "Uh...Jounouchi...aren't you guys, you know, well, not-hating each other?"  
  
"Yeah, man...I mean, call me old-fashioned, but you seem to be pretty much acting the same at each other as before, and I'd like my boyfriend to like me, thank you."  
  
Jounouchi raised an eyebrow at Honda. "Bud, tell me you weren't expecting me and Kaiba to get all publicly mushy and kissy-faced at each other after just one accidental fight-turned-make-out in the school parking lot."  
  
Anzu blinked. "But, uh, it sort of looked like you guys..."  
  
"Worked something out? If I still found this idiot loathsome, I'd have just ripped his test up and thrown the pieces out the window," Kaiba commented from his seat without looking up. "And factoring in that he wrote a love note on the back..."  
  
"I hope the ink chemicals make you puke, Dragon Breath," Jounouchi called merrily over to the CEO, who responded with the Bird and a nearly-invisible smile. Yuugi exchanged glances with Anzu, and grinned suddenly.  
  
"Oh, I get it now."  
  
"Yeah, I know you do, Yuugi...hey, Honda, what was that about a boyfriend? You and Bakura finally hookin' it up? Took you long enough to ask him, man, I thought Malik was gonna pull an Otogi on you and swipe him!"  
  
Honda blushed and opened his mouth to protest, but saw the expectant looks on the faces of his friends and sighed with defeat. "All I did was ask him to go to a Bruce Lee marathon with me...but I dunno if he'll be able to make it, he looks pretty tired today."  
  
Jounouchi's grin widened to match Anzu's and Yuugi's in size. "Uh-uh, looks like Honda's finally got a looooove liiiiife..."  
  
"I think it's disgusting that you think it's okay to act like a f gutter whore, you b!!"  
  
Yuugi and his friends, along with everyone else in class 2-B, suddenly noticed that Bakura had, for some reason, decided it was okay to climb up on his desk and begin a shouting match with himself. More weird even than that was the vaguely stoned look on his face, and the fact that he was not only speaking English, but was making strategically-placed BEEP noises throughout his sentences...  
  
"Love is love, you f intolerant piece of s!"  
  
"Disgusting f pervert!"  
  
"Oh-ho, you want disgusting, motherf?! I'll show you disgusting! I got your disgusting right here!!"  
  
The girls of 2-B were promptly treated to the sight of a shirtless (and somewhat spikier, but no one except Yuugi, Jounouchi, Honda, Anzu, and Kaiba noticed that part) Bakura, who jumped on the teacher's desk and began an impromptu can-can, punctuated by a chorus about how he was proud to be a 500-pound trailer park ho.  
  
Honda's jaw hit the desk, but rebounded when Jounouchi grabbed his shoulder and pointed.  
  
"Aw shit, what the Hell is he doing?!"  
  
"It's the other Bakura! I've got to get mou hitori no boku to seal him away again!" Yuugi panicked, grabbing the Puzzle.  
  
"No, not in front of all these people," Anzu hissed, grabbing the smaller boy. "You guys will have to subdue him and take him somewhere safe, like the nurse's office...and I've got to figure out a way to explain this that won't get Bakura expelled! Oooh, that rotten yami no jinkaku..."  
  
"I'm not actually sure it's him," Yuugi piped up suddenly, as Honda and Jounouchi got to their feet and stalked cautiously towards their salsa- ing classmate. "Mou hitori no boku just had a look, and he says Bakura looks kind of like he's been hypnotized."  
  
Honda and Jounouchi had meanwhile managed to circle behind the white- haired boy without his noticing. Jounouchi signalled to Honda, and the duo leapt onto the desk and grabbed Bakura in a double chokehold... and promptly fell forwards to the floor as the formerly foul-mouthed fiend-in- human-form slumped forwards in their arms, limp, boneless, and apparently asleep. Having extricated themselves from a tangle of limbs, the two boys hefted their burden between them and left the chaos-ridden classroom as quickly as they could, with the now-normal Bakura snoring gently into Honda's right ear.  
  
= = = = = =  
  
"...so Kaiba and I told the teacher and the principal that Bakura was on some kind of new medication, and it was the side-effects that made him do it. They had to take the word of two of the best students in the school, right?" Anzu said as the group made its way home. Kaiba had called his limo and, after leaving Jounouchi with a note on memo paper that made the blond turn seven shades of red, had gone back to his own house. So it was only Yuugi, Honda, Jounouchi, Anzu, and a very dazed and embarrassed Bakura walking back from class.  
  
"I called Rishid and had him pick up the tape," Jounouchi added. "Man, he nearly had a heart attack. He said he forgot that he'd taped over the last hour of the fuzzy gaijin bear show with "The Best of Jerry Springer" for his sociology presentation on the decay of North American culture. Aren't you lucky it wasn't the Tokyo Shock Boys, Bakura?"  
  
Honda stifled a smile at the look of horror on Bakura's face. "So, um, what exactly was that back there, anyways?"  
  
"Well, Rishid and Isis said they figured it had something to do with the television content filtering more potently through your brain and into the yami no jinkaku's soul room when you're asleep. So they're kind of strongly affected by T.V."  
  
Understanding suddenly dawned on Yuugi's face. "So that's why mou hitori no boku was acting so weird the other Sunday...I fell asleep watching "Ran" the night before."  
  
"It's too bad," Anzu piped up, "we're kind of back where we started with the Ring and all."  
  
Bakura sighed deeply. "I've decided that there's no point anymore to trying to get rid of him. He's just my proverbial cross to bear."  
  
"Well, mou hitori no boku says he isn't surprised," Yuugi said in the ensuing silence. "He says it's very difficult to get rid of a spirit attached to a Sennen Item. He also says he's glad he doesn't have to use up all that energy on sealing spells anymore."  
  
"Mou hitori no Yuugi is getting lazy," Anzu teased. Yuugi blushed and scrunched his shoulders up shyly.  
  
"Well, um, he says he...Hey! Where did you learn that word?"  
  
"Tell him you two are cute when you're lazy," Anzu said with a grin. Yuugi's blush deepened.  
  
"Uhh..."  
  
"We'll leave you lovebirds alone now," Jounouchi snickered as he turned down the street towards his own neighbourhood. "Hey, Bakura, if you've decided there's no more point to ditching Ring-boy...just remember to keep him away from sparrows, 'kay? And television...and pizza...and Malik..."  
  
Honda and Bakura said their good-byes as well, then went in the opposite direction, towards the cinema.  
  
"You still up for a Bruce Lee double bill?" Honda asked hesitantly. He was relieved when Bakura replied with a warm smile.  
  
"Of course. I had my nap while my guest was doing his little table- dancing routine. But, Honda, just one thing..."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"If I reach over and grope you during the movie, or start a fight with the other patrons, or steal something...you'll know it's not really me, right?"  
  
Honda smiled. "Of course."  
  
As the two continued on with the setting sun at their backs, a voice re-emerged in the back of Bakura's mind.  
  
Can I ask that you never do that thing with the bears and the screaming Americans again? It was really weird.  
  
/I suppose that's the one thing you've done this week that wasn't purposely designed to make my life miserable.../  
  
...I'm sorry about the thing with Yami no Malik, okay?  
  
/Pardon?/  
  
I said SORRY, alright? I shouldn't have...left you to him like that. You're my host, after all...you deserve better, even if you are a wimp.  
  
/Wow...a real apology.../ Bakura thought, stunned.  
  
Don't get too used to it. I'm still the Thief King, I still want a World of Darkness, and there's no way in Hell I'm going mushy like that obnoxious priest or the bloody pharaoh. And I fully intend to grope your date at choice intervals during this movie thing.  
  
/Oh, feel free to do that last one./  
  
Huna?  
  
/Nothing./  
  
...I think I'm starting to grow on you, my host.  
  
/Stranger things have happened./  
  
Heh.  
  
"Hey, Bakura?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why are you humming 'The Cat Came Back'?"  
  
The white-haired boy smiled, just a little. "No reason, Honda. No reason at all."  
  
= = = = = = =  
  
END!!! Wheee!!  
  
And thus...it ends. cries Oh, well, it was fun anyway, and now I can get onto other stuff in the fanfiction department...like finishing the myriad other fics I've started but never posted. I suck. XP Sorry. Much love to the reviewers. You are the reason I keep poking away at the keyboard in the long hours of the night.  
  
ShiroiYami: There, you see? Yaoi doesn't have to be all rape and improbable sex scenes and Bakura acting like a thirteen-year-old girl. And...I guess I should take that as a compliment. Better assaulted than violated, I suppose...well, bugger, now I've got the word 'violated' in my fic and I'll get angry reviews from people who were expecting something...a little different, I suppose, from what I'm offering. whistles tune again just to be annoying  
  
Dark-necrophhia666: I hate and fear the Teletubbies also. I was going to use them, but decided against it. Even Yami no Malik doesn't deserve to suffer like that...okay, I lied, he does. But my cherished readers don't.  
  
BLL: Aww...blushes You're too kind. And your Ryuuzaki 'n Haga "Weekend at Bernie's" plotbunny is eating my witty brainmeats even as we speak. Good point, though: Care Bears are like fluffy and colourful thought police. For something made in the 80s, they have strikingly...Soviet overtones. glomps and tickles  
  
Evergladelord: Glad you think so.  
  
Anony-mouse-skye: Care Bears loathing does seem to be rather a recurring theme here, dunnit? grin Not like I'm trying to drum up sympathy for Yami no Malik or anything, though. And Hitomi can't have Bakura, he's Honda's. And Malik's, if I get around to it. sparkle 


End file.
